False Evidence Appearing Real...part 1

 Exodus 14:13-14 NASB

But Moses said to the people, "Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the Lord which He will accomplish for you today; for the Egyptians whom you have seen today, you will never see them again forever. The Lord will fight for you while you keep silent."

Have you ever spun around with your hands out round and round? As a kid, it's the funniest thing to do. I watched my 4 year old do this, get dizzy, take a break, then do it again and repeat about 5 times. It was cute to watch him but it drew a very vivid analogy to the type of life an addict must have.

I only had that thought because for the last 7 1/2 years  I have battled alongside my husband whose recovering addiction has left our home an  emotional  roller coaster. The pains and sufferings are so real at some point the hope is that it were just a physical wound because it would heal faster. At times life is great, other times, it's a migraine leaving you on the floor unable to stand. While I've tried my best to study everything about addiction...it was only knowing Jesus and His Truth that helps me get through co-dependency. While my husband's story is his own, mine is about the backsplash. It's so difficult to trust God when your watching someone you love do regrettable things. As you're left to pick up the pieces of the broken life again and again...it can sometimes fake you into believing you got this and you fix it. But when things break again...after they just were put together...it's more than disheartening, it's overwhelmingly depressing. It breaks your heart in ways you didn't think it could break. Having hope seems impossible.
3 years ago my life changed dramatically. I went back to church and my husband went to jail, while I was pregnant with my youngest. And while all that seems depressing ...you must've missed the hope...I went back to church. Regularly. I found myself needing to be there...because I needed Jesus. It was the place I had refuge, my kids had refuge and eventually even my husband. While my husband's time in jail was very short, the result of that time was rehab. Another blessing in disguise. His battles have been between programs and down time and as he told me when we reconciled  2 years ago...it will be a lifetime battle for him. Bless the Lord, he knows Jesus  and although he's fallen a few times, he's learned to lean on Him to see recovery.

For me, the battle is with my mind. My pastor shared with us this acronym:

F - False
E - Evidence
A - Appearing
R - Real

Co-dependency is watching the addict like a hawk believing you can personally place their safe boundaries. Like checking their phone records and having them on GPS...oh wait sounds like 'crazy girlfriend' syndrome, right? The difference is when you're fears are confirmed...you trust your fear more than God. Having that other person with you and safe is 100% False Evidence Appearing Real. Because I've learned the hard, hurtful way that I can't save my husband from himself. It's his battle with the Lord. Just like mine. In reality, it's only God I'm fighting when I don't want to lean on Him and trust Him to heal my husband in His perfect time.

The verse above was meant for me. In the middle of my escape from the slave mentality of co-dependency...because you ARE enslaved to your FEAR...the Lord had given me this wonderful promise and scripture. He would fight my husband's addiction for me. Instead, I am to have faith and cover him in prayer. Because as my husband recovers, the backsplash of that pain and suffering start to show. Our children are hurt and can see the problems. Our marriage lacks trust and intimacy. Our family...is in pieces. Context is everything...
In Ex 14:13-14, Moses is right about to part the sea. So before they cross the sea, before they cry out in hunger and for water, before they go through 40 years in the desert...the Lord tells them this.

But Moses said to the people, "Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the Lord which He will accomplish for you today; for the Egyptians whom you have seen today, you will never see them again forever. The Lord will fight for you while you keep silent."

For me, Egypt is my husband's relapse. It brings me to a place of slavery and starvation. He's not the enemy and if you have studied anything about illegal drugs, they completely take over your mind, speech and actions and the addiction is uncontrollable once they had just a little. It is a powerful weapon the enemy of our souls uses to not only break down people...but their families as well. Because when I see him high, it's not my husband. It breaks my heart to see him like that. But the Lord is faithful to complete what He began...He just had to cut through me, cut through my husband to get to the part of us we don't want to share. I never wanted to tell anyone. And when he did well and relapsed, I didn't want to say anything again. Because the backsplash of it all isn't just about him and I and our children, but about the families around us who watch and don't understand. It's about our own extended family no longer receiving the hope of Christ in our lives because we showed our weaknesses. It's about so much more that God has planned...

Thanks for hearing my heart tonight. It's been a crazy month and the Lord has been faithful to prune the areas that were still guarded by my fears. Lots of areas...but I'm grateful I could share them with you. Because maybe you know someone whose going through what I went through. Or you know someone like my husband. Forgive them and pray for them...they really do need it. Because I got to see how real spiritual warfare is...but instead of battle scars, I have miraculous stories off triumph. I have instances where impossible sinful man had trusted God with everything he had and He made it beautiful - a miracle. He fought for me and continues to do so...I'm a very blessed daughter of the King.

Heavenly Father, my Honored King, just writing this testimony tonight brought out areas of pain. It reminded me of the place I was in, the depression I battled because I couldn't handle the life I was living. Thank you Lord! Thank you for delivering me from that bondage. There's time when I've misunderstood Your protection because my husband relapsed, forgive me. I lift him up to You now. His battle is different than mine but because we're one I go through things to. It feels Lord like I always have to clean up the mess after. It feels as if I have to hold my family together myself. I know it's not true. You do. So as my children heal from this, as my marriage heals, as my husband heals...please heal me. Heal us all that we would be a light. When and if we fail Lord, remind us You are there. Remind us of Your Truth and that You don't need us to accomplish Your Will. I don't hold You up but You definitely hold me up and I'm so grateful for that. Lord, if there are others who can be blessed by this story, I pray they know right now how much You love them. I pray they would seek you fully and allow You to work on their hearts and in their lives. May we all learn to trust You, just a little bit more today. In Jesus name I pray, amen.