Smiling through tears and fears...

When I started to live my life for God one of the hardest lessons I had to learn was that it didn't matter how obedient I am, trouble will come. I knew as a lost person trouble came at any time, what I didn't understand was how I could endure trials at times when I was called to celebrate and be overjoyed.

A year ago I endured a loss in my marriage that threw me into depression. It was in this time that I argued with the Lord. I shook my fists in the air and in desperation asked how and why this happened. Saddened and confused, I didn't understand how I had been so diligent to seek Him and yet this was something I still had to endure. I never understood James, count my trials as joys; and I didn't understand the true meaning of saved by grace not by works (Eph 2).

It was a time for mourning. Mourning what wasn't and what was in my life. It was also Christmas. It was not to be a time for joy and celebration. I didn't even want to put the happy face on for my children. I wanted to curl up in a ball and let the holiday weeks just pass unknowingly. But that wasn't the reality of my situation. I went to Christmas dinners and Christmas programs, I spent my time in church and parties. And if you saw me, I cut my hair off! That was all I could do to express my hurt, my anguish for such times.

The first week of January I got a text from a sister in Christ for lunch with some other sisters. We got together to share the experience of our holidays. Ashamed and unable to conceal my hurt and pain, I poured out my loss. I shared in the sadness of my life. It was a moment of nakedness. I felt I had nothing else to loose. And God blessed me and gave me covering. As  I shared, another sister had endured similar trials and was able to share my grief in a way that brought me so much comfort.

That day I left there with a new sense of comfort and joy. I could smile through my tears and fears. I saw God that day and He was real and He came and hugged me with the love of those around me.

This time of year is still difficult for me and although I'm blessed and I have come a long way, I still mourn the past. I'm still a work in progress and one day I will be able to look at this time of year in a new and refreshing way but for now, my pain and fears will be given over to my Comforter and I will smile in these times and count my trials as joy. Because I know He will give me comfort in ways I never knew.

Everything else is sinking sand when we're not standing on to God's promises. My journal was my bible, and then I found sisters to teach me of God's love. I found faith in the way He sent others to guide me and encourage me. I found joy in believing those promises, even in hard times.

If you need prayer, bare all and ASK. I do! I need prayer and God's love for mercy and forgiveness and healing. And I'll gladly pray that for others because I have seen His power work through our prayers.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

¹⁶ Rejoice always; ¹⁷ pray without ceasing; ¹⁸ in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.