Smiling through tears and fears...

When I started to live my life for God one of the hardest lessons I had to learn was that it didn't matter how obedient I am, trouble will come. I knew as a lost person trouble came at any time, what I didn't understand was how I could endure trials at times when I was called to celebrate and be overjoyed.

A year ago I endured a loss in my marriage that threw me into depression. It was in this time that I argued with the Lord. I shook my fists in the air and in desperation asked how and why this happened. Saddened and confused, I didn't understand how I had been so diligent to seek Him and yet this was something I still had to endure. I never understood James, count my trials as joys; and I didn't understand the true meaning of saved by grace not by works (Eph 2).

It was a time for mourning. Mourning what wasn't and what was in my life. It was also Christmas. It was not to be a time for joy and celebration. I didn't even want to put the happy face on for my children. I wanted to curl up in a ball and let the holiday weeks just pass unknowingly. But that wasn't the reality of my situation. I went to Christmas dinners and Christmas programs, I spent my time in church and parties. And if you saw me, I cut my hair off! That was all I could do to express my hurt, my anguish for such times.

The first week of January I got a text from a sister in Christ for lunch with some other sisters. We got together to share the experience of our holidays. Ashamed and unable to conceal my hurt and pain, I poured out my loss. I shared in the sadness of my life. It was a moment of nakedness. I felt I had nothing else to loose. And God blessed me and gave me covering. As  I shared, another sister had endured similar trials and was able to share my grief in a way that brought me so much comfort.

That day I left there with a new sense of comfort and joy. I could smile through my tears and fears. I saw God that day and He was real and He came and hugged me with the love of those around me.

This time of year is still difficult for me and although I'm blessed and I have come a long way, I still mourn the past. I'm still a work in progress and one day I will be able to look at this time of year in a new and refreshing way but for now, my pain and fears will be given over to my Comforter and I will smile in these times and count my trials as joy. Because I know He will give me comfort in ways I never knew.

Everything else is sinking sand when we're not standing on to God's promises. My journal was my bible, and then I found sisters to teach me of God's love. I found faith in the way He sent others to guide me and encourage me. I found joy in believing those promises, even in hard times.

If you need prayer, bare all and ASK. I do! I need prayer and God's love for mercy and forgiveness and healing. And I'll gladly pray that for others because I have seen His power work through our prayers.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

¹⁶ Rejoice always; ¹⁷ pray without ceasing; ¹⁸ in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Independence from dependence

On this lovely 4 day Thanksgiving weekend I prepared my heart and that of my family for praising God with an attitude of gratitude. I was quite blessed by the amount of joy and peace we were able to share with others as we prepared for a rather hectic week that was first and foremost Christ centered.
So...I was truly unprepared to leave our Wed-before-Thanksgiving  prayer night with a request from my Papa God to fast from caffeine. It seemed like such an odd request but as I am day 3 w/o any caffeine, my journey is definitely one to note. So let me share with you the joy in my break away from caffeine.

A bit of background on my caffeine intake and need. As a mother of 4 broad range age children, a full time engineering student  and wife to a man working 7 days a week right now - I'm a bit crunched for time. It takes lots of prayer to remain sane, lots. But never underestimate the power of prayer! ;) Needless to say as my semester has progressed so has my caffeine intake.

Wednesday night during our prayer session, I confessed before the Lord a hefty load of sins (yes, I'm a sinner, pray for me!). One area He clarified for me was a lack of trust. I wanted to argue with Him but it was Him, what else could I say but, "Show me." I got a bulging headache and was really tired and immediately thought of reaching for some type of caffeine (soda, coffee, energy drink, even diet pills). Sad, isn't it? I didn't even think of taking an asprin?!! I prayed for soda!! LOL...crazy, I know (remember the sanity prayer?); our conversation was pretty direct at that point as He clarified a need for clean and detox the caffeine.He revealed it was truly a lack of trust and a lack of care. When I think of my physical health, I think of:
1 Corinthians 6:19
Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?

But when I think of trust:
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight. 

My way was drinking coffee, followed by a red bull, while taking energy pills and vitamins in between meals. Unable to sleep in due to the rigorous 6 am wake up call my children get, (and now give back on Holidays) my days continue to begin promptly at 6. So as Thanksgiving was upon us bright and early, I experienced similar pains early in the day as well as fatigue. Who would of thought my body would still be tired after 10 hrs of sleep in 3 days? As my detox weekend continued, I realized that my dependence on caffeine substituted my dependence on the Almighty.

When we issue our own execution of His plan, it doesn't quite come out the Way He meant. Jeremiah 29:11 is a promise I cling to daily but I undertook that promise and executed it in my own understanding. I wasn't recognizing how much He wanted me to depend on Him for strength - to rest when He says rest - or be of sound mind and body when my 16 month old colors my body with markers because he woke up before me.

I'm called to be so much more than a caffeine junkie, one prayer away from becoming undone, and certainly not the best picture of the Almighty to the saved or unsaved. I don't believe I'm called to save anyone. As a wife, mother, daughter to the Almighty, student, friend, sister, classmate, I'm called to be a Light. I wasn't able to be that Light because I wasn't plugged in to the Ultimate Source. Yes, I was praying. Yes, I was doing my devotions. Yes, I've been in church. Yet, something in me was depending more on the caffeine to get me through exams, prepping for holidays and a busy family. And My Papa was kind enough to not let it go any further.

A change of heart, diet, attitude or habit are only a prayer away. And the promises of His Word are those that allow us to move past small issues to big ones and back again. I've watched the Lord change my life by miles and still fix the block right up the road. Open every avenue to let Him in and Lead; there is rest, peace, joy, kindness, gentleness and love waiting for you.

In these 3 days of independence, I've heard my Papa call me clearly. I've walked out in faith in other areas of my life. I've been blessed to enjoy my children and this time off. And now, as I reflect on these days - I'm so grateful. I prayed for rest and He gave it to me in such a way that I can't thank Him enough. I was tired...I couldn't say anything else about my life these past couple of months and this weekend I was given rest.  I'm thankful for a God who gives me what I need. In two weeks I have finals and I found new strength and will finish the race! :)

Be blessed with ears to hear our Papa guide you and direct your steps and enjoy the victory of all He has already done in our lives and continues to do!

Isaiah 40:31 (NASB)

Yet those who wait for the Lord
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.

Roll call...

I am often the Jonah type, running from the pretty large tasks my Great Father gives. Pretty hard to admit but it's about accountability, right? I understand why, I know how, but there are times I'm just looking up thinking, 'I don't have it in me to do that?!!! You know that!!'
For example, sometimes I don't want to like everyone. There are people I have a hard time swallowing, or people I'm expected to feed back in love...it's not a pretty sight. It's a lack of trust, faith, forgiveness, mercy, compassion...I could keep going. I end up more upset because now I feel even more unworthy. Like I said, ugly.
I prayed and I turned to His Word...in the end, a Christian Rap song summed it for me:
I would be so hood if it weren't for His Grace

Somehow, knowing that others struggle like me gave me comfort. Maybe I wasn't exactly ghetto but I sure want trying to be civil!

I don't need to agree with everyone or support all their decisions...just be there. So much rejection is bred by neglect and initiated by doubt and passed off as fear. What I realized He was asking of me was to be present. What a comfort to know that He is there, always. If I'm to be like Him, I too, am just to be present.
Giving Him whatever I got means he'll use my 'I don't know what to tell them' and turn it into whatever He knows they need. Like lunch with a friend, a skype session, or even a hug. How great is it to know that I don't have to have the answer going into something?!! I just have to be obedient when called.

John 8:28-29 NASB

So Jesus said, "When you lift up the Son of Man, then you will know that I am He, and I do nothing on My own initiative, but I speak these things as the Father taught Me.  And He who sent Me is with Me; He has not left Me alone, for I always do the things that are pleasing to Him."

Re-new, Re-use, Re-peal

As I lied in bed very upset I did the first right thing - and prayed. It was a 4 word prayer, "What do I do?" Simple and honest enough to receive an immediate response, "Apologize." Ugh...why did I ask Him?! Oh ya...yes, Lord.

That conversation with my One Beloved brought to mind the need to renew...my mind, my heart and my behavior. But rather than revamp my mindset I wondered something else - why am I still re-acting this way? I saw in my mind a wave, then more waves. I thought, Ok, life is like waves and sometimes it knocks you down. But I don't think He was quite done schooling me. So I thought, Ok, too big the wave so you duck dive or maybe you're like those awesome surfers I know, you ride it. So, we all react differently. But then I saw this image in my head and I couldn't stop laughing, it was me duck diving when there was no wave. Then I was duck diving when the wave was really small. Then I was duck diving before the wave, then after. Do you get the picture? I sure did.

I was reacting the same - even though the wave was different. I stopped laughing. It was too real and too hurtful to realize. 

I took a moment to seek His Word. Initially, this scripture was fresh in my mind

Romans 12:2And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

Since today was already a different dialog, I decided to do a word study on renew instead. Funny, Rom 12:2 didn't come up! Instead the following verses spoke deeply to my heart:

Job 10:17‘You renew Your witnesses against me And increase Your anger toward me; Hardship after hardship is with me.
Psalm 51:10Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Colossians 3:10and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him

And the two that spoke  the most to me seem to coincide together with what I was doing and what He wanted for me:

Lamentations 5:21Restore us to You, O LORD, that we may be restored; Renew our days as of old
Ephesians 4:23and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind

I wanted restoration but I needed renewing and one isn't really possible without the other and I wasn't sure in which order to they come. No answer just an action - a calling. I am called to renew that He may restore. 

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting new results. I decided I didn't want to recycle my feelings and re-act the same. Life abundant sounds so much more appealing. In an effort to repeal that thinking, I'm capturing my thoughts and my words. And btw, I did apologize sincerely, right away. 

I realized I will battle this often, repealing all the stinkin thinkin in my head. The comfort I found in those verses remind me that I'm not alone in this struggle and if I have to redo this, I will be just as blessed. To reinforce dictionary.com defines:

re-

 

a prefix, occurring originally in loanwords from Latin, used with the meaning “again” or “again and again” to indicate repetition, or with the meaning “back” or “backward” to indicate withdrawal or backward motion: regenerate; refurbish; retype; retrace; revert.

May we all be blessed to repeat God's way and repeal our old ways. 

If you're stuck in a rut, God's Word is true, everlasting and unchanging. Hold tightly to what He has to say to YOU, because He wants to speak to everyone. 

Strength in numbers

It has been some time since I've posted and my writing is a bit rusty, so bear with me as I convey my thoughts on power and the strength in numbers. Now that I am in back in school, I realize I am such the scientist. I'm methodical, logical, an observer...I really do match in the field of engineering. As I add to my already busy schedule: 4 classes with homework, studying and exams, I'm left appreciating and understanding the true meaning of strength in numbers.

I've found numerically:
 < 6 hours of sleep = 1 mommy running at 45% efficiency
4 kids at 4 different stages of life = 8 pick up and drop off stops M-F
2 kids < 2 years old asleep after 9 pm = tomorrow's headache
3 hours of studying per credit hour = @ 12 credits -36 hours of studying/hmwk = a fulltime job

These are just a few numeric equations I've been able to deduce over my returning to school this past August. The equations above have allowed me to understand when and where I have strength in numbers. I can plan around these numbers, I can bet on the likelihood of success with these numbers! However, these numerical representations of my life are not completely true. This week, I had two children out sick. Which meant zero time at school those days and very less than 36 hours of studying and hardly close to 6 hours of sleep. I found that in all my deductions, I still can't account for everything. 

That was when I realized the best equation of all:
time with God in prayer + time with His Word = 1 mommy on 100% God given & God driven power

I don't have what it takes to do all the wonderful tasks my Precious Savior has called me to do - because He wanted Us to do them TOGETHER. My strength in my ability to plan, recount and recite all these formulas came down to ensuring that the foundation I have is the fundamental truth to any success. My strengths are my weaknesses, because for a moment I was deluded to believing that those equations were all I needed.

If you are at your end you can finally see His beginning. I pray that you surrender and enjoy the life our Lord is planning for you - every single day.  

2 Corinthians 12:9
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 

Super Woman Surrenders

I am an overachiever and somewhat relentless in my desire to succeed. I also think Superman was a great example: courageously strong, protecting the weak but taking zero credit and self satisfaction. Recently God has tested me to leave it all up to HIM. Every area of my life: relationships, school, home, work - all came to a point that nothing I did would change/fix/repair what was done. OMG on da real! I hadn't realized how many areas of my life I still wouldn't surrender to God. I'll raise my kids Lord, no need, thanks anyway. I'll be the support my fiance needs. I'll get myself through college with a family. I'll take care of my home. I had a pretty hefty superwoman plate I was carrying that I didnʻt want to share with anyone, even Jesus. Then I realized, I, I, I. No wonder everything wasn't going according to ʻmyʻ plan. I was expecting to be able to carry it all alone! I thought that knowing the Lord would make ME strong enough to control my life! HA! It's funny now...but I've experienced many tears, much anger and frustration in my path of Iʻs. Even as a Christian, Super ʻChristianʻ Woman wasnʻt working.


Taking the long hard road I've discovered I serve an awesome God who wants to show me that He's awesome! (Can you imagine a husband who 'wooed' you everyday?!) As I began to let go, God got the chance to begin and I watched the seed of love I had intended (with my plans) flourish into wonderful fruit of God! Then I found - He hears me. I can't even think it without a sigh of awestruck belief and love. All my prayers for my home, my prayers that my family wouldnʻt fall apart, that my fiance would find the Lord, that my family and my fiance would get along my children...all of them, He heard.


Today I pray the Lord uses me for the many visions He's given me in ways He guides me - for His plan. I pray that the weakness I feel now (lack of control) is in His hands and not mine. I pray for the lives of my family. I pray that He guides me through college. I pray I am able to do as He has taught me to take care of my family and home...bottom line - I pray and pray fervently... Not just when everything falls into place, I pray when He has allowed me to share in His blessings of success. 


I've realized its not Super Woman who makes miracles out of everyday life, only Jesus. And He succeeds 100 out of 100 times. He doesn't break His promises. He won't leave me or forsake me. If I can put my life in a car, why I can't I leave it up to the Lord? ...and you haven't been in the car with my fiance, Oh Lord help me there!


If you need prayer or help recognizing the areas you havenʻt surrendered please email me, post or get ahold of me. There is power in prayer! He wants to use us in the little things so that we're ready when He blows our mind with the big!


Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
Phil 4:6 (NASB)


A Psalm of David. Hear my prayer, O LORD, Give ear to my supplications! Answer me in Your faithfulness, in Your righteousness!
Psalm 143:1(NASB)

A fresh start

A fresh start

Hiding a secret is like adding fuel to the fire. Sometimes we keep a secret out of shame, guilt, fear...sometimes we even keep secrets out of love. Sounds dumb, I know. We rationalize lying. The Lord calls us to be accountable to others that our walk may be blameless. If you've come from or have a dysfunctional family, as I have, you too may not want to share that. But I found freedom in sharing and comfort in not feeling alone in my walk. I am blessed with Christian friends and family who are there to aid me in my walk and encourage me to have my own fresh start.

God bless, may you find your self and others as new as only God can make us.