Smiling through tears and fears...

When I started to live my life for God one of the hardest lessons I had to learn was that it didn't matter how obedient I am, trouble will come. I knew as a lost person trouble came at any time, what I didn't understand was how I could endure trials at times when I was called to celebrate and be overjoyed.

A year ago I endured a loss in my marriage that threw me into depression. It was in this time that I argued with the Lord. I shook my fists in the air and in desperation asked how and why this happened. Saddened and confused, I didn't understand how I had been so diligent to seek Him and yet this was something I still had to endure. I never understood James, count my trials as joys; and I didn't understand the true meaning of saved by grace not by works (Eph 2).

It was a time for mourning. Mourning what wasn't and what was in my life. It was also Christmas. It was not to be a time for joy and celebration. I didn't even want to put the happy face on for my children. I wanted to curl up in a ball and let the holiday weeks just pass unknowingly. But that wasn't the reality of my situation. I went to Christmas dinners and Christmas programs, I spent my time in church and parties. And if you saw me, I cut my hair off! That was all I could do to express my hurt, my anguish for such times.

The first week of January I got a text from a sister in Christ for lunch with some other sisters. We got together to share the experience of our holidays. Ashamed and unable to conceal my hurt and pain, I poured out my loss. I shared in the sadness of my life. It was a moment of nakedness. I felt I had nothing else to loose. And God blessed me and gave me covering. As  I shared, another sister had endured similar trials and was able to share my grief in a way that brought me so much comfort.

That day I left there with a new sense of comfort and joy. I could smile through my tears and fears. I saw God that day and He was real and He came and hugged me with the love of those around me.

This time of year is still difficult for me and although I'm blessed and I have come a long way, I still mourn the past. I'm still a work in progress and one day I will be able to look at this time of year in a new and refreshing way but for now, my pain and fears will be given over to my Comforter and I will smile in these times and count my trials as joy. Because I know He will give me comfort in ways I never knew.

Everything else is sinking sand when we're not standing on to God's promises. My journal was my bible, and then I found sisters to teach me of God's love. I found faith in the way He sent others to guide me and encourage me. I found joy in believing those promises, even in hard times.

If you need prayer, bare all and ASK. I do! I need prayer and God's love for mercy and forgiveness and healing. And I'll gladly pray that for others because I have seen His power work through our prayers.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

¹⁶ Rejoice always; ¹⁷ pray without ceasing; ¹⁸ in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Re-new, Re-use, Re-peal

As I lied in bed very upset I did the first right thing - and prayed. It was a 4 word prayer, "What do I do?" Simple and honest enough to receive an immediate response, "Apologize." Ugh...why did I ask Him?! Oh ya...yes, Lord.

That conversation with my One Beloved brought to mind the need to renew...my mind, my heart and my behavior. But rather than revamp my mindset I wondered something else - why am I still re-acting this way? I saw in my mind a wave, then more waves. I thought, Ok, life is like waves and sometimes it knocks you down. But I don't think He was quite done schooling me. So I thought, Ok, too big the wave so you duck dive or maybe you're like those awesome surfers I know, you ride it. So, we all react differently. But then I saw this image in my head and I couldn't stop laughing, it was me duck diving when there was no wave. Then I was duck diving when the wave was really small. Then I was duck diving before the wave, then after. Do you get the picture? I sure did.

I was reacting the same - even though the wave was different. I stopped laughing. It was too real and too hurtful to realize. 

I took a moment to seek His Word. Initially, this scripture was fresh in my mind

Romans 12:2And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect.

Since today was already a different dialog, I decided to do a word study on renew instead. Funny, Rom 12:2 didn't come up! Instead the following verses spoke deeply to my heart:

Job 10:17‘You renew Your witnesses against me And increase Your anger toward me; Hardship after hardship is with me.
Psalm 51:10Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Colossians 3:10and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him

And the two that spoke  the most to me seem to coincide together with what I was doing and what He wanted for me:

Lamentations 5:21Restore us to You, O LORD, that we may be restored; Renew our days as of old
Ephesians 4:23and that you be renewed in the spirit of your mind

I wanted restoration but I needed renewing and one isn't really possible without the other and I wasn't sure in which order to they come. No answer just an action - a calling. I am called to renew that He may restore. 

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting new results. I decided I didn't want to recycle my feelings and re-act the same. Life abundant sounds so much more appealing. In an effort to repeal that thinking, I'm capturing my thoughts and my words. And btw, I did apologize sincerely, right away. 

I realized I will battle this often, repealing all the stinkin thinkin in my head. The comfort I found in those verses remind me that I'm not alone in this struggle and if I have to redo this, I will be just as blessed. To reinforce dictionary.com defines:

re-

 

a prefix, occurring originally in loanwords from Latin, used with the meaning “again” or “again and again” to indicate repetition, or with the meaning “back” or “backward” to indicate withdrawal or backward motion: regenerate; refurbish; retype; retrace; revert.

May we all be blessed to repeat God's way and repeal our old ways. 

If you're stuck in a rut, God's Word is true, everlasting and unchanging. Hold tightly to what He has to say to YOU, because He wants to speak to everyone. 

Strength in numbers

It has been some time since I've posted and my writing is a bit rusty, so bear with me as I convey my thoughts on power and the strength in numbers. Now that I am in back in school, I realize I am such the scientist. I'm methodical, logical, an observer...I really do match in the field of engineering. As I add to my already busy schedule: 4 classes with homework, studying and exams, I'm left appreciating and understanding the true meaning of strength in numbers.

I've found numerically:
 < 6 hours of sleep = 1 mommy running at 45% efficiency
4 kids at 4 different stages of life = 8 pick up and drop off stops M-F
2 kids < 2 years old asleep after 9 pm = tomorrow's headache
3 hours of studying per credit hour = @ 12 credits -36 hours of studying/hmwk = a fulltime job

These are just a few numeric equations I've been able to deduce over my returning to school this past August. The equations above have allowed me to understand when and where I have strength in numbers. I can plan around these numbers, I can bet on the likelihood of success with these numbers! However, these numerical representations of my life are not completely true. This week, I had two children out sick. Which meant zero time at school those days and very less than 36 hours of studying and hardly close to 6 hours of sleep. I found that in all my deductions, I still can't account for everything. 

That was when I realized the best equation of all:
time with God in prayer + time with His Word = 1 mommy on 100% God given & God driven power

I don't have what it takes to do all the wonderful tasks my Precious Savior has called me to do - because He wanted Us to do them TOGETHER. My strength in my ability to plan, recount and recite all these formulas came down to ensuring that the foundation I have is the fundamental truth to any success. My strengths are my weaknesses, because for a moment I was deluded to believing that those equations were all I needed.

If you are at your end you can finally see His beginning. I pray that you surrender and enjoy the life our Lord is planning for you - every single day.  

2 Corinthians 12:9
And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 

Super Woman Surrenders

I am an overachiever and somewhat relentless in my desire to succeed. I also think Superman was a great example: courageously strong, protecting the weak but taking zero credit and self satisfaction. Recently God has tested me to leave it all up to HIM. Every area of my life: relationships, school, home, work - all came to a point that nothing I did would change/fix/repair what was done. OMG on da real! I hadn't realized how many areas of my life I still wouldn't surrender to God. I'll raise my kids Lord, no need, thanks anyway. I'll be the support my fiance needs. I'll get myself through college with a family. I'll take care of my home. I had a pretty hefty superwoman plate I was carrying that I didnʻt want to share with anyone, even Jesus. Then I realized, I, I, I. No wonder everything wasn't going according to ʻmyʻ plan. I was expecting to be able to carry it all alone! I thought that knowing the Lord would make ME strong enough to control my life! HA! It's funny now...but I've experienced many tears, much anger and frustration in my path of Iʻs. Even as a Christian, Super ʻChristianʻ Woman wasnʻt working.


Taking the long hard road I've discovered I serve an awesome God who wants to show me that He's awesome! (Can you imagine a husband who 'wooed' you everyday?!) As I began to let go, God got the chance to begin and I watched the seed of love I had intended (with my plans) flourish into wonderful fruit of God! Then I found - He hears me. I can't even think it without a sigh of awestruck belief and love. All my prayers for my home, my prayers that my family wouldnʻt fall apart, that my fiance would find the Lord, that my family and my fiance would get along my children...all of them, He heard.


Today I pray the Lord uses me for the many visions He's given me in ways He guides me - for His plan. I pray that the weakness I feel now (lack of control) is in His hands and not mine. I pray for the lives of my family. I pray that He guides me through college. I pray I am able to do as He has taught me to take care of my family and home...bottom line - I pray and pray fervently... Not just when everything falls into place, I pray when He has allowed me to share in His blessings of success. 


I've realized its not Super Woman who makes miracles out of everyday life, only Jesus. And He succeeds 100 out of 100 times. He doesn't break His promises. He won't leave me or forsake me. If I can put my life in a car, why I can't I leave it up to the Lord? ...and you haven't been in the car with my fiance, Oh Lord help me there!


If you need prayer or help recognizing the areas you havenʻt surrendered please email me, post or get ahold of me. There is power in prayer! He wants to use us in the little things so that we're ready when He blows our mind with the big!


Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
Phil 4:6 (NASB)


A Psalm of David. Hear my prayer, O LORD, Give ear to my supplications! Answer me in Your faithfulness, in Your righteousness!
Psalm 143:1(NASB)

Going...going...gone!

I've felt lately the need to go. Over the past couple of months I've understood this need to GO as the need for  
-personal change: I cut my hair short 
-relocation: we thought and planned for an outer island move - turned out to be a no
-change in major: I ended up taking the semester off


Where these are just a few areas I feel could be labeled "FAIL - not what He meant", I've thought more and more about what this has meant to me.  My pastor's theme for 2012 was Off the Shelves and although I've heard the Spirit calling me to go, I haven't quite been able to figure out where?! For a stay at home mom, I really wasn't around anyone older than 2 years old other than family, friends and church ohana, but I knew I must be missing someone or something. Small kine frustrating...


 I recently finished a book about a wonderful Christian man and his wife called in the Spirit to go and his life of going! I thought, this is helpful - I can see how and where the Lord used him and his family! But as I read the book I realized there was no real formula for his events and areas he felt called to, barely an epiphany of what this man's calling was. I realized from his example, it was about listening. 


Now I realize, it wasn't what I could do to go, it's who I can follow - Jesus! It's about being obedient, reading my bible, a thriving prayer life, cleansing and correcting!! There's so much in just the little things, how much have I missed buzzing through life? In my moment of 'stillness' there still so much to learn and observe. Aiya what a dodo! Our society paints pictures of such individual growth and grandeur...omg, was I biting like crazy! No wonder I couldn't hear more...I wasn't really listening for the answer!! Again, my kids are so much like me! I call them, they come and I begin to speak, "Go..." and they're off...to where they don't know! Then they come back and realize," Oh, where?" I wonder what is wrong with my kids?! Lmbo...what is wrong with me?!! So eager to be obedient yet so portagee in following! 


Maybe God wasn't calling me to cut my hair, move my home or change my major. Maybe He was seeing if I would stay and listen?

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
Jeremiah 29:13 

Still, silent and ready

I have recently learned (the very hard way) that there will be times in my adult Christian life that I must be still and silent. What does that mean in our society? What does that mean as an adult? And especially as a mother of 4...what does that mean? I've toggled back and forth with my 2 year, lol...all of them actually, to sit in time out and refocus. Then I realized, I can't even sit still at the traffic light! My wonderful 3g phone with email, apps and games allowed my mind to constantly be filled...but with what?

When my loving Father brought my world to a stand still I realized that even in the hustle and bustle of daily life I could find many moments to be still. It was my mind that needed to be still and silent. It was my need for more that needed to be silent and still. It was the 'inner' me that God wanted and the 'inner' me that was the loudest and constantly in motion. It was no wonder I couldn't hear Him, I was too busy rambling on about me.

Over the past few weeks, slowly but surely I have found many ways of being still and silent. I no longer pick up my phone during traffic but pray instead if I need to talk. I'll lie awake in bed just being still and silent. I don't contemplate the next 12 hours, 7 days, month, year and so forth...every moment something comes up.

I have found peace in 'inner' silence. I have found growth in no movement. Funny, I would've never thought that to move forward and grow you would need to take a time out. Guess we really do learn all we need in Kindergarten.

Lam 3:28 Let him sit alone and keep silent, Because God has laid it on him

Hello Accountability! - Intro

My name is Tiffany and this is my first blog - ever. My 12 year old daughter has been nudging me to create a blog and today I finally listened to her. I realized I need accountability and freedom; I need an outlet...so I started this blog.
SO about me: I am currently a stay home mother of 4 beautiful children. I'm taking some time off from my pursuit of my B.S. in Electrical Engineering to care for my youngest, a 5 month old baby boy. I'm not married, divorced once and wondering what God is doing with the relationship I'm in now.
Most recently I've begun my journey as a Christian woman, its taken quite some time but I've finally realized I suck at running my life. Living the Life is my outlook as I do my best to lead the Proverbs 31 woman's life. 
Today I read James 5:16, so I'm here to ask to be prayed for and to offer prayer for anyone who may need it. God is good and He provides to those who seek Him with their whole heart. So here's mine...
Please pray for me as you read this - pray I'm diligent to post, honest in seeking the Lord and faithful in remembering He is in charge. God bless you all.