The Optimist's Problem

I am a sucker for hope. I believe the good in people will shine through. I hope that the best will happen. I believe we all have the potential to be superheroes...and that we all want to. Now that I write that down...I'm laughing at myself. It's rather naïve. I am naïve like that...

I have learned, through very hard lessons, that misplaced trust is dangerous. BUT it is not the same as HOPE and FAITH. So I thought that maybe I should do a little research. And hopefully, my research can help you too.

The bible tells us that HOPE and FAITH:

HEB 11:1
Faith is being certain of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

2 COR 5:7
We live by faith and not by sight.

ROM 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

About TRUST:

IS 40:31
But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength. They will soar high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

MICAH 7:5
Do not trust a neighbor; put no confidence in a friend. Even with the woman who lies in your embrace guard the words of your lips.

JER 9:8
Their tongue is a deadly arrow; it speaks deceitfully. With their mouths they all speak cordially to their neighbors, but in their hearts they set traps for them
Digging from a different angle, I googled the definitions of the following:

Hope is defined as a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen; a feeling of trust.
Faith is defined as complete trust or confidence in someone or something
Trust is firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

The power behind hope, faith and trust, is where we choose to place it and whom we choose to place it in. I place my trust in my chair everytime I sit down. Or in my van when I get inside and carpool the kids to 4 different schools. But in people....that is the hard part. Jeremiah 9:8 is so powerful because it's a reminder that we can't know the hearts intention. That is for God to know...and Him alone.

Looking back at my initial HOPE for humanity...I can see that while my hope is POSSIBLE FOR GOD, it is not something to place my TRUST in. When people let us down it's for many reasons. I've endured much heartache because I've TRUSTED my HOPE FOR someone instead of ENTRUSTING my HOPES to GOD.

It's taken me awhile Lord but I hope I really learn this lesson and have faith that You'll take the time to teach me.

Lord God, while you want us to HOPE for others, You never ask us to trust IN them. Forgive me for not TRUSTING YOU with people.  The same way I can sit in a chair, I need to rest in Your Promises. Thank You for being someone I can trust. I hope that You would use my words to reach others who may sometimes struggle with misplaced trust. May our Hope that You have given us not die but be directed to You. I pray for healing from times when someone did hurt our trust. Lord, I lose peace, sleep, joy and so much more when I place my trust in the wrong things and people. Give me discernment that I would walk forward in FAITH in ways that You planned. Forgive me for the times I trusted man more than You...my hopes for humanity will rest in Your Promises. In Jesus name I pray, Amen.

Oooh tidings of comfort and joy!

2 Corinthians 1:8-10 NASB

For we do not want you to be unaware, brethren, of our affliction which came to us in Asia, that we were burdened excessively, beyond our strength, so that we despaired even of life; indeed, we had the sentence of death within ourselves so that we would not trust in ourselves, but in God who raises the dead; who delivered us from so great a peril of death, and will deliver us, He on whom we have set our hope. And He will yet deliver us...

Looking back on 2013, I am in awe of the many ways the Lord has carried me through. Not just me, my family too, to continue to be together to serve Him. Because there were many times it seemed, that we weren't going to hold on.

My husband's relapse earlier this year then again later in the year were huge blows. Another family member choosing the life of drugs over His Promises, hospital testing for me that lasted months, lots of therapy to help us connect with our youngest son...Bridges of trust, shaken and almost collapsed; within our home, within our circle, within our hearts. The Lord had allowed great suffering and after these back to back battles, it seemed to me, the enemy had won. I found no comfort from godly counsel, no quiet prayer time or joy in the arms of my children. This year, my endurance ran out.
I have waited all my life to graduate from college in engineering. It's been a lifelong dream the Lord blessed me with this December. But it was a victory that tasted dry, salty and actually rather less sweet than I thought it would be. The victory I had hoped to see when I walked across that stage was not nearly all I had imagined it to be. It seemed even this triumph was a defeat.

I love how Paul goes back and forth between suffering and comfort in this passage. Because the two go hand in hand when you walk with the Lord. It was hard for me to seek Him, trust Him and believe that all that's happened this year was for GOOD. But today, I am comforted. A comfort I've been in desperate need of. As I look back on 2013, eager to say goodbye to all the hurt and pain, I'm comforted to know that my Lord Jesus has not only carried me but allowed for much refining in a family who belongs to Him. I'm comforted to know that this isn't and hasn't been forever not will it remain.

So whether or not 2014 will be less or more, I'm comforted to know that we are not alone. That there is a greater Good I may not see happening, but led by the Greater Good, a more blissful outcome is to come, one more amazing than I could imagine and produce alone.

Adios 2013, I will be sure to build the remembrance stones to remind me of the suffering endured and more importantly, the comfort received.

Matthew 5:4 NASB

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."

I lost endurance because I couldn't do this with my own strength. I lost faith because I didn't think I could mourn. I have gained comfort realizing: I'm scared my husband will relapse, I'm scared of where our family member might be, I'm worried that I may get sick again, or that I'm unable to have the patience to help my son. But there was never any way I could ever do those things alone. And I'm sad that this has been an account of my year but grateful and comforted to know now that Jesus is just as sad to see these happen. I don't have to hold on to the past, just keep my eyes on Him and watch Him change my future. That hope, in Jesus, is my comfort and all I need to prepare me for the road ahead. Bienvenidos 2014.

Have faith?

Tell me how much can my soul take?
We make mistakes, we hurt we need amazing grace.

So we pray tonight, that you don't get weak.
And please pray that I don't forget what I believe
Cuz these days are hard and faith sometimes is work

Pray until he heals the hurt
I trust God will heal the hurt.

Everyone hurts, but not for long.
That weight you bear will make you strong
Your guilty stains can be erased, the final price, paid by his life
amazing grace.

Lyrics from: Everybody Hurts by Kirk Franklin

The song above is not in complete but rather in order for me. The lyrics and accompanying notes have guided me through many of dark nights and days. I really should send Kirk Franklin and his choir emails daily of thanks. Music has a wonderful way of expressing that which we may be unable to express. More than just expressions of emotions for me, music has been a window to release fears or a realization of my thoughts that I may otherwise have ignored or shuffled aside.

When going through hard times I have the tendency to bottle things up and focus on driving forward. In the process, I hurt those closest to me. I ruin the love and the plans that God has intended for me because in my pain, I accept the hurt rather than let it go to heal. Forgiveness is possible but releasing the pain is not even an option. It's the real part of me. It's a numbing, driving force that's built up the foundation of fear. Letting it go would mean knocking the walls of distrust that I've built. It's a pretty ugly picture, I realize now that I write about it. But that's why I write...because if I didn't reflect here, I wouldn't. Being bare and transparent opens up new possibility. What kind of possibility is completely out of my control. This is the difference between speaking faith and living it.

The rawest part of the song, for me, is when they ask for someone to pray they don't forget what they believe. That's got to be a whole lot of pain that can cause someone to forget what they believe. Is that possible? You bet. I know it. I've been there. I let go of God and didn't trust Him or anyone else for that matter. I've read other people's testimony as they lost a child or been abused and no longer wanted to believe. But if we look around our in our society there's tons of folks who have lost their faith. Is that what we do? We lose it like it's an object or possession. Is it a fleeting emotion that doesn't "stick around" under the right conditions?

"And the apostle said unto the Lord, increase our faith."—Luke 17:5
Faith is of the utmost importance to a Christian. There is nothing of which we should have a greater and a more earnest concern than our faith. REV. C. H. Spurgeon

My children, as I'm sure most of yours, love to make up songs. It's pretty amazing to me, being very left brain, that such creativity can come at the flick of a moment. My little spark, he has a love and faith in God that he just loves to share. It amazes me. He just believes. And he wants to know more. He will just sing the name Jesus. And while it may just seem a cute thing, I pray he never outgrows that. I pray for his faith to be protected from the hurt and pain of this world.

And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." Matt 18:3

So all alone, I did what my son does. I just sang the name Jesus until it meant something. Until it did something...and you know what? It did. First, it brought me to tears. Then, I felt all the hurt I was holding onto. And eventually I let it go and felt a release I really needed. Peace.

If you are at the crossroads in your beliefs and not sure if you want to take the risk of letting go, only you can do this. There's no special Jesus song you can sing. For me, music was the only window I was willing to let Jesus into. Sad, don't you think? But it was enough. He will not stop fighting for you either.

To the truest Lover of my soul, I am unworthy of the love, mercy and grace You shower me with daily and sometimes lots of times in one day. You are the Bread of Life and Your Peace truly surpasses all of my understanding. We are saved by faith Lord and the enemy will do whatever he can to diminish our fire for You. I'm weak Lord. Even though you have parted the sea for me, I still am crying out for the past, for familiar chains. I'm so sorry. I don't want those chains. I don't want to be tethered to the square area of sin I made myself, I want the Promise Land You have prepared for me, in the presence of my enemies. I want to know that Your Goodness and Mercy follow me all the days of my life. So bless those around me who have kept me in prayer. Bless them for holding onto You when I could not. Bless them for knowing that I was just a scared little girl who was afraid of the pain. Bless them that stood and protected me while You waited patiently for me to open a window. Thank you Lord just for loving me. Thank you for wanting to not leave me where I am. I am ready to let go of this pain and instead hold onto You. May I seek You with the same heart I see in my child and I thank You for his little spark. It was a bright light for me. If today Lord someone reading this needs Your Light, Your warmth, comfort and peace, I pray that they would truly give You their pain and hurt in exchange. May we all enjoy singing the name of Jesus forever more. In Your name I pray, amen.

False Evidence Appearing Real part 2

For a nation has invaded my land,
Mighty and without number;
It's teeth are the teeth of a lion,
And it has the fangs of a lioness. 
Joel 1:6


"Mighty and without number" seems rather accurate in my battles with an addict and his addiction. The devastation that follows the path of destruction ravaged my home, stole the joy from our hearts and the song from our mouths with a look or a grunt from a recovering monster. Harsh, I know. But like a nightmare that fades away slowly as you awake, the days of his coming down eventually faded until it seemed unreal and impossible...until it would happen again.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is how I often described the difference. Unfortunately, as Dr. Jekyll was initially unwilling to acknowledge Mr. Hyde, so my husband was blind to the Hyde in him. At times, it was pointless to debate the behavior but the words exchanged became my only weapon against such an invasion. The walls to mask the symptoms seemed stronger than the love I shouldered trying to break it down. Many nights of prayers and silent tears eventually created bitterness and aggression that turned into depression. The hope of change seemed not just a distant journey but rather a hopeless fable.

While I've had the joy of knowing my Savior intimately for 3 years now, it's still been 8 years that I've watched my house, heart and family torn apart with poisonous fangs that obscure reality with wounds that medicine can't reach. The inconsistency of battles seemed timely and precise with my patience and the love that I once fought with has become the walls that I now protect my children and myself.

The tides in our battle turned from that of offense to defense quickly and eventually the weapon I boldly wielded became the shield that saved me.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,
But against the rulers,
Against the powers,
Against the forces of darkness, 
Against the spiritual forces of wickedness in heavenly places.
Eph 6:12

Having nothing left to give, I expelled the man I once loved for a place a refuge and wall of hope...not for me but for the innocent I had failed to protect. The children who, under no form of physical attack, wore scars of countless spiritual battles. Their faith in tact and more of a light for me in darkness then they'll ever know, I placed walls around my home, heart and family. I can't save my husband, only Jesus can. But I will no longer be at the forefront of the battle, letting the enemy of our souls tear away at the love and faith I have in Christ.

Lord God, in my dramatic tale of spiritual battle, the comparison of physical wounds is nothing compared to the wounds endured fighting in the spiritual. The pain and suffering all of us, my husband included, have endured have countless times been attempts to truly tear us from You. And with tears in my eyes of this revelation I am without breath knowing that without Your covering through this all, I would not be here. I would not have children who are safe, healthy and healing. I would not see light or hope that only You provide. And my husband, God bless his soul, would not be at Your Feet seeking Your Mercy, Grace and Healing. I know that I am not alone. There are numerous other families that being torn apart by the savage attacks of addiction. I pray for them now Lord. I pray for those who don't yet know you but are in search...I know that search. I remember losing all hope and the darkness closing in...I remember Your Hand first just outstretched then a warm embrace. I remember the protection and I remember watching You fight for us, all of us. Your Word promises that You go before to make a way...I need that to be true. I need to know that as I step forward in faith, You are behind me as my rear guard. I have bore all Father in hopes that anyone else needing You would find this. That if there are others in darkness You would outstretch Your Hand and be the Light they seek in their time of darkness. May Your Word, Will and Way overcome and if it be Your Will, please, heal my family. In Jesus name I pray, amen.

Running on E

I had very little sleep that day. A stressful schedule at school full of exams, holidays coming up, breaks and preparations I was planning in between sleep that looked more like naps and on top of that marriage conversations consisting mostly of the days chore duty. Life was overwhelming and no matter how much I was trying to keep it from spinning out of control, it already was. 

Pick a day, any day during the months of Aug - May, that's my life. It pushes forward while somehow being so distant. The distance looks frayed like a hot summer day, only a horizon blocked out by Google Calendar alerts and bill statement balancing. Life was so overwhelming it wasn't happening at all. I have heard many speakers say, "If the devil can't make you sin, he'll make you busy." And while I know this to be true, I didn't know what was I supposed to get rid of? Was it one of kids, or their need for help with school, friends, church, sports...life? Nope. Maybe it was my husband? Ok, now I'm just being mean! Lol. While I felt that maybe there seemed to be nothing "extra" to remove, I finally came to the realization...what am I missing? What did I take away that was here to lift me, encourage me and help me lean on the Lord ...I was doing my devotionals and praying often. (Help me Lord to love that person that just cut me off. Thank you Jesus the deadline got postponed). But something was missing from my fire and He had finally got my attention to find it.

While the cycle of fullness is still true today, my approach to ease the burden of well, life, is no longer only what to take away but how much more of God do I need to add in. Because if I'm already doing the bare minimum and still feeling emptied, then I must not be filling up on the right things. Yes, I've simplified the goody bag items and decorations (although, that is secretly my fave past-time) and sought to balance the time away from home. I've realized my emptiness in life's busyness is not about the actual logistics of Google Calendar's overlapping and 10 minute transitions. It wasn't about my over-commitments,  it was about my under-commitment to God. 

It's about being too spiritually empty to be the woman God has called me to be. It's about not forsaking the fellowship or seeking God in quiet time or meditation or loving my neighbor. I've learned now to be flexible to the Spirit's calling because I believe He knows best. And while I wasn't sure why I needed to call my Grandma and talk for 35 minutes, I know that I hung up filled and full of His Truth and the rest of my day seemed to happen rather purposefully. It was the start of many days that no longer passed me by but rather, were very near and dear to my heart.

But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
And in His law he meditates day and night.
3 He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water,
Which yields its fruit in its season
And its leaf does not wither;
And in whatever he does, he prospers. Ps 1:2-3

In the hustle and bustle of our culture, we often forget that our purpose is to further the Kingdom of God. If we seek these first, all others will be added (Matt 6:33). Learning to live each day for the Lord is a change in mind, word and deed but ever so possible. It's not easy and we won't always get it perfect. But the joy and peace we receive are enough to fill us daily, our daily manna. He knows what we need, so let's be mindful to ask Him what it is.


Almighty God, I am unworthy of Your Mercy, Grace and Love, yet You extend them to me freely. When I seem to be filled up on time and activities, You bring me just what I need to not only be filled, but accomplish Your Will. My day no longer becomes about my will but Your Kingdom that I am blessed to be apart of. I want more days like that Lord. I don't want life to feel so distant I can't see You or life. I can't be the woman You created me to be without You, so find the ways to tell me to stop, drop and pray. Remind me gently to be that fruitful tree in every season of life. I am grateful for Your Word and the Peace it brings me and it's even better when I get a chance to practice it daily. In Your Name Lord Jesus I pray, amen. 

When Mountains Slip Into the Seas

Psalms 46:1-3 NASB

God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; Though its waters roar and foam, Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. Selah.

My kitchen floor has a special place in my heart, even in it's messy, spotted tiles. It was there that I knelt before the Lord with tears that wouldn't quit, begging for the pain to stop. I felt as though I was dying inside, watching my husband and brother (in-law) struggle through their addiction. And one day, when both of them chose to not come home, I was broken. The strength that had carried me was gone and I cried out in anguish to the Lord. It was truly my end...but just the right time for Jesus. In the defeat of my 'help' I finally moved aside and allowed Jesus to work in the hearts and lives of my husband and brother, but also in me. In my brokenness, when it seemed as if all the earth was shaken and moved, everything stopped when my Great King came beside me and wrapped His Merciful Arms around me and whispered He would take this. With no fight left in me, He was able to be their Savior so that I could rest. Selah. My grandmother once told me that selah in the wonderful book of Psalms meant to stop, reflect and find peace in that which has just been said.

If you have been through storms and stood at the frontline of spiritual warfare, you are not alone. We are called to have faith the size of mustard seeds that one day would move mountains. When your day comes, please allow me to pray with you, as I was so blessed to have others who prayed with me. Find your comfort in the Mighty One, Holy One, Powerful One, Creator of the Universe...because in His greatest Strength, YOU are still His most sought after prize. When you feel as if you are dying, remember, He already has. Lord, please bless the person who needs to hear this today.

My Great King, Merciful Father, You are so faithful, there is no one more comforting. You are always there, ever present and a help in times of need. I love that You Want to save me and already have, I need you more today. Many changes here have felt as though my world is crumbling and even as I look back Lord, You have never left me. But I need Your Comfort and I need for You to take the wheel. Save me and save my loved ones because only You can. I am fearful of the future but I know that You have plans for me to prosper and hope and I will rest on those plans and promises today. You are my Comforter and I will praise You. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

False Evidence Appearing Real...part 1

 Exodus 14:13-14 NASB

But Moses said to the people, "Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the Lord which He will accomplish for you today; for the Egyptians whom you have seen today, you will never see them again forever. The Lord will fight for you while you keep silent."

Have you ever spun around with your hands out round and round? As a kid, it's the funniest thing to do. I watched my 4 year old do this, get dizzy, take a break, then do it again and repeat about 5 times. It was cute to watch him but it drew a very vivid analogy to the type of life an addict must have.

I only had that thought because for the last 7 1/2 years  I have battled alongside my husband whose recovering addiction has left our home an  emotional  roller coaster. The pains and sufferings are so real at some point the hope is that it were just a physical wound because it would heal faster. At times life is great, other times, it's a migraine leaving you on the floor unable to stand. While I've tried my best to study everything about addiction...it was only knowing Jesus and His Truth that helps me get through co-dependency. While my husband's story is his own, mine is about the backsplash. It's so difficult to trust God when your watching someone you love do regrettable things. As you're left to pick up the pieces of the broken life again and again...it can sometimes fake you into believing you got this and you fix it. But when things break again...after they just were put together...it's more than disheartening, it's overwhelmingly depressing. It breaks your heart in ways you didn't think it could break. Having hope seems impossible.
3 years ago my life changed dramatically. I went back to church and my husband went to jail, while I was pregnant with my youngest. And while all that seems depressing ...you must've missed the hope...I went back to church. Regularly. I found myself needing to be there...because I needed Jesus. It was the place I had refuge, my kids had refuge and eventually even my husband. While my husband's time in jail was very short, the result of that time was rehab. Another blessing in disguise. His battles have been between programs and down time and as he told me when we reconciled  2 years ago...it will be a lifetime battle for him. Bless the Lord, he knows Jesus  and although he's fallen a few times, he's learned to lean on Him to see recovery.

For me, the battle is with my mind. My pastor shared with us this acronym:

F - False
E - Evidence
A - Appearing
R - Real

Co-dependency is watching the addict like a hawk believing you can personally place their safe boundaries. Like checking their phone records and having them on GPS...oh wait sounds like 'crazy girlfriend' syndrome, right? The difference is when you're fears are confirmed...you trust your fear more than God. Having that other person with you and safe is 100% False Evidence Appearing Real. Because I've learned the hard, hurtful way that I can't save my husband from himself. It's his battle with the Lord. Just like mine. In reality, it's only God I'm fighting when I don't want to lean on Him and trust Him to heal my husband in His perfect time.

The verse above was meant for me. In the middle of my escape from the slave mentality of co-dependency...because you ARE enslaved to your FEAR...the Lord had given me this wonderful promise and scripture. He would fight my husband's addiction for me. Instead, I am to have faith and cover him in prayer. Because as my husband recovers, the backsplash of that pain and suffering start to show. Our children are hurt and can see the problems. Our marriage lacks trust and intimacy. Our family...is in pieces. Context is everything...
In Ex 14:13-14, Moses is right about to part the sea. So before they cross the sea, before they cry out in hunger and for water, before they go through 40 years in the desert...the Lord tells them this.

But Moses said to the people, "Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the Lord which He will accomplish for you today; for the Egyptians whom you have seen today, you will never see them again forever. The Lord will fight for you while you keep silent."

For me, Egypt is my husband's relapse. It brings me to a place of slavery and starvation. He's not the enemy and if you have studied anything about illegal drugs, they completely take over your mind, speech and actions and the addiction is uncontrollable once they had just a little. It is a powerful weapon the enemy of our souls uses to not only break down people...but their families as well. Because when I see him high, it's not my husband. It breaks my heart to see him like that. But the Lord is faithful to complete what He began...He just had to cut through me, cut through my husband to get to the part of us we don't want to share. I never wanted to tell anyone. And when he did well and relapsed, I didn't want to say anything again. Because the backsplash of it all isn't just about him and I and our children, but about the families around us who watch and don't understand. It's about our own extended family no longer receiving the hope of Christ in our lives because we showed our weaknesses. It's about so much more that God has planned...

Thanks for hearing my heart tonight. It's been a crazy month and the Lord has been faithful to prune the areas that were still guarded by my fears. Lots of areas...but I'm grateful I could share them with you. Because maybe you know someone whose going through what I went through. Or you know someone like my husband. Forgive them and pray for them...they really do need it. Because I got to see how real spiritual warfare is...but instead of battle scars, I have miraculous stories off triumph. I have instances where impossible sinful man had trusted God with everything he had and He made it beautiful - a miracle. He fought for me and continues to do so...I'm a very blessed daughter of the King.

Heavenly Father, my Honored King, just writing this testimony tonight brought out areas of pain. It reminded me of the place I was in, the depression I battled because I couldn't handle the life I was living. Thank you Lord! Thank you for delivering me from that bondage. There's time when I've misunderstood Your protection because my husband relapsed, forgive me. I lift him up to You now. His battle is different than mine but because we're one I go through things to. It feels Lord like I always have to clean up the mess after. It feels as if I have to hold my family together myself. I know it's not true. You do. So as my children heal from this, as my marriage heals, as my husband heals...please heal me. Heal us all that we would be a light. When and if we fail Lord, remind us You are there. Remind us of Your Truth and that You don't need us to accomplish Your Will. I don't hold You up but You definitely hold me up and I'm so grateful for that. Lord, if there are others who can be blessed by this story, I pray they know right now how much You love them. I pray they would seek you fully and allow You to work on their hearts and in their lives. May we all learn to trust You, just a little bit more today. In Jesus name I pray, amen.

Identity Crisis

http://bible.com/100/EXO3.11.NASB But Moses said to God, "Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh, and that I should bring the sons of Israel out of Egypt?" Bible.com/app

I grew up with very little in my home, on my back, in our fridge and even for a short amount of time with no home. And while I had very little in possessions and positions, I was blessed to have much more in faith. I had a mom who loved me and as time past, many friends and families that I had the joy of belonging to. But growing up poor you get a slightly blurred sense of value. Yes, I'm not very materialistic but I do often question my value. I question if I'm meant to be all the hopes and dreams I've haad as a kid.

See, growing up with nothing can sometimes make you feel like you're nothing too. I sure tried to be a winner. I exceeded in the academic arena and logistically planned my future that wouldn't be lacking. But as I approach the finish line of my collegiate career, despite many, many, many setbacks...here I am. And I can't help but wonder, Who am I?

Because if I'm the ghetto, homeless, single parent household, daughter of an immigrant, teenage pregnancy, divorcee girl...then the hope and faith I had as a child is definitely gone. And the great, bright future I and so many along the way have encouraged me would be here...it would be ok if I never got there. Because that girl, she didn't have it in her to stomach something good. She had been so used to bad that good just seemed to not happen to that girl; no, not to me.

But if I'm a redeemed, resurrected, been set free, daughter of the King, friend to the One who was, who is and is to come...if I'm that girl...than I can accept a good gift. I can accept a good thing happening. I can grasp the Promises that I've been set free from that girl. If...

I think Moses had an identity crisis too. But it wasn't his own identity Moses had mistaken, it was God's.

I grew up with this mean bully. She used to tell me I looked ugly, I was dumb, I wasn't good enough, nobody would ever love me,...she was real mean. And she followed me every where. And no matter how much I tried to ignore her, she just kept on going. That bully was me. I beat myself up mentally and drove myself mad with determination. I wouldn't give up because I could hear the insults flying faster than I can type! It was a nightmare when things seemed to end up in another catastrophe. I know now there is a liar and a thief who comes to kill, steal and destroy and he sure was winning with me.

Fast forward to today. I've been blessed to learn and know who God is and in return gain a much better idea of Who I am. Today I needed to revisit this because I was in a slump. My past situations and accomplishments were starting to create the definition that I and I alone made up who I am. But in reality, without Jesus I'm not the somebody I want to be. Without His Truth, my future is grim. Without His Peace, I'm not able to deal with the troubles of this world and without His Love, I'm not redeemed.

If you're having an identity crisis and can't seem to find who you are, I implore you to seek first Who Jesus Is. Only He can create beauty from ashes. Don't allow the enemy of your soul to kill, steal and destroy all Who God has made YOU to be.
Heavenly Father, lover of my soul. Thank you. Thank you for having faith when I am faithless. Thank you for loving me when I did not know you. Thank you that who I am rests in who You are. Help me to recognize the lies of the enemy. Forgive me for trying to change things without You. I trust in all You have planned and trust that even in my insecurities, Your power is made perfect. I don't like to be weak Lord but knowing that You are taking care of everything brings me peace. Thank you Lord, thank you. In Jesus's name I pray, amen.

Taking a man's advice!

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven— Eccl 3:1

As a busy mom of 4 children that span almost every age group: toddler, preschooler, pre-teen and teenager...this verse brings me much comfort while also makes me laugh! I can't help it!  And also think...of course a man would say this! Lord forgive me, but it really does seem like men aren't pondering the rest of the weeks water play schedule and school supply list while checking that the grout in the bathroom isn't 'too gross' to allow another day of neglect. Is it rather just that women have been blessed to show their love, affection and maybe even worth by the length of their to-do checklist? 

While I understand that King Solomon was endowed with wisdom from above, I'm sure this King had plenty to stress about as well. But his approach to the many of life's to-dos was simply to believe  that in God's time they'll happen. That life outlook still seems to amaze me. Like I said, if I don't get to that bathroom tile, who is and when is that? Even with our list of chores, my mommy to-do list runs on end.

In Luke 10, we are introduced to two sisters, Martha and Mary; the famous Martha. It says she was distracted by the preparations. Could that be the theme for EVERY WOMEN? Maybe not but pretty close, because of course there are the Marys. But this verse speaks to us women who can wonder how King Solomon, in all his wisdom, could write a passage like a Ecclesiastes 3. 

In all boldness ladies, maybe we're missing the point? Don't shoot arrows at me, trust me, it's MY conviction! But is our need for a quick 10-minute bathroom clean a substitute for a silly face contest with our children or a  back rub from our never-ending all-star husband request line? We are called to respect our husbands and train our children...everything else truly is everything under the sun. 

I often believed that the Proverbs 31 woman remained nameless to spare her from nasty looks at the market and temple. While she is still my great inspiration of a Godly woman, she also reminds me of an airbrushed supermodel on the cover of a magazine. Now I don't mean she's fake but her description just seems so unattainable! It's like she created for us,  The Woman's 10 Commandments. "She rises early to make sure her household is fed." (Prov 31:15) Oh man, I'm so grateful for breakfast at school! How do I measure to her, how can I accomplish all that? Wise King Solomon answered that as well, "God has made everything beautiful in it's own time" (vs. 11). It's not that complicated, we're works in progress. Doesn't that just tickle you? We're not deemed less valuable or precious but given grace. Oh how I love that. It's hard to not have a check on the check-list but I'm so blessed His ways are not our ways, aren't you? 

So...let's take a man's advice and believe that there's a time for everything and that our weaknesses are not going to bring down our worth. We will take inventory of every moment, every thought...to be in line with the One who has really done everything (vs 11) because He loves us. And that kind of love is a language we definitely speak. 

Good and Gracious Father, I'm so glad Your Word has many examples. I truly believe Lord that You made me fearfully and wonderfully but I admit, I feel sometimes as if I'm only made to balance the budget and keep the laundry rotation going. If I'm really honest, I can't do all the things You call me to do: for my husband, for my children, even for You. Forgive me but also...thank You for taking that burden from me. Thank You Lord for being my Prince of Peace. I can trust King Solomon and believe there is a time for everything, even perfection and Your timing is perfect. Thank You for the blessing of my calling in this life, may I honor You in not just what I do, but how I do it. Consecrate my heart to be more like Yours and erase those unnecessary items on my to-do list that would keep me from You and the wonderful callings You've given me called family. Help our family to be grounded in You. You are a Good God and  Loving Father and I praise You. In Your Name, Jesus Christ I pray, amen.  

Egypt bound

The hubby and I have been praying for direction for about a month now. It's been an amazing season of restoration, healing, stillness and joy. The Lord is so faithful and He truly does create beauty from ashes. Just months ago, I was unsure what kind of future we were to have but now we stand together in prayer and I have the joy to remember and celebrate the man I was blessed to marry. Yes I'm more than content, I'm overjoyed!
When I look back at all that I have endured (only with Jesus), I know that I'm so grateful to come out of the dessert and say, thank you Lord for these many blessings! I feel like the Israelites having just crossed the Red Sea saying to one another, "I NO Believe!!!" (Yes, they speak pigeon in my story. Translation: Did that really just happen?!!) When we are blessed to overcome with the Lord in the face of adversity, including the adversity within ourselves, there is definitely some moments of joyful reflection! It's a time where James 1:2-4 makes all the sense to you. I'm grateful and I needed this time for the Lord to fill me up again.


Prepare your work outside
And make it ready for yourself in the field;
Afterwards, then, build your house. Prov 24:27


This verse has spoken to me in so many ways. When we wanted to move, the Lord directed me here. When I was unsure what to do about work, here the Lord gave me direction and confirmation. But lately this verse has meant so much more. The storms and trials I've experienced have been the preparation. It's been the foundation to lay out the plans He has. And now, in ways I never truly thought, He has called me to build. I'm an engineer, you would think the  building isn't the best step for me, but it really is! I'm so excited to see the reality of an idea!
So with the idea the Lord has directed and requested of me, I was somewhat lost. There was tons of preparation but not what I went to school for. There was plenty of experience but not the kind I would put on my resume. He  is sending me back to Egypt!??!!! Referring to Exodus, the Israelites experienced slavery, the plagues, 40 years in the dessert and even the struggle and fight to get out of Egypt. Can you imagine...going back? Me neither. I cried and prayed thinking, "I just came Lord! I just crossed the Red Sea...you like me go back?" He laughed at me, "But you guys came another way, My Way."

 “For it is just like a man about to go on a journey, who called his own slaves and entrusted his possessions to them. To one he gave five talents, to another, two, and to another, one, each according to his own ability; and he went on his journey. Immediately the one who had received the five talents went and traded with them, and gained five more talents. In the same manner the one who had received the two talents gained two more. But he who received the one talent went away, and dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money. Matt 25:14-18

What we do, how we act and the way we choose to problem solve out of Egypt - He's watching, waiting and building our character. And so here I am, praying and preparing a new field to build His House, His Kingdom, His Legacy. I've been questioning and ignoring and more ignoring and a little bit more (remember, I'm strong willed) but now He has yelled. And what else am I supposed to do? I'm not the best Christ-loving person, I'm not the most equipped but I was called. And that is nothing to be ashamed! We all have a calling on our lives, each and every one of us. I pray that each of you heed your calling and give your all for the furthering of the Kingdom. So keep me in prayer, I'm Egypt bound.

Heavenly Father, I am amazed by how much You love us ALL. You will always leave the 99 sheep and go back for the 1 because you love us beyond what we can do. I am so blessed You have a plan and purpose for my life and that of my family. You have allowed the storms and trials and have graciously supplied more than we ever deserved. Please continue to prepare my husband and my heart for that which You have in store and direct our steps. May I continue to find comfort in You Word and Your People. I pray for the person who needs to read this today. That You would bless them and confirm Your call in their life. Speak to them now and even if they're hard head like me, speak a couple more times. There is a world out there waiting to see You. I know, I used to be one of them. In Your Precious Son's name I pray, Jesus Christ, Amen.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Ecclesiastes 4:9-11 (NIV)

I've often felt alone in my life. As I grew up with my Mom, a hard working, single mother, I felt alone while she was gone working. When I was studying and all my friends were enjoying their teenage years, I felt alone in my goals. When I got pregnant in high school, I felt alone in my struggle as I gave up an opportunity for college. Even when I was married to a man who didn't love me, I felt alone. As a single parent, I felt alone. When my third pregnancy had me home alone while my boyfriend went out to party, lonliness crept in to my life again. I can continue to point out moments in my life where I felt so alone it hurt. But instead, I wanted to share the hardest journey I've had since - determination in my relationships to reach out.
After accepting and embracing the identity of being alone, it has truly been difficult to try hard and cut past the shield of lonliness to create and solidify real, healthy relationships. My marriage, my children, my friends...I've been so good about keeping them at bay. The biggest was Jesus. But when I finally surrendered my hurt and pain of lonliness, He asked me to do something even harder, reach out. With my Lord, it was about learning to love because I am loved. In my marriage, I've had to open up and let go of the barriers that I thought protected to me to experience a true bond I never thought possible. With my children, who went back and forth from my house to their fathers, it was about teaching them to build bridges that take time because they were worth it.  With my friends, it was about showing them the good, the bad and the ugly so that they could help me through it and one day I could be there for them.
This verse has come up over and over in marriage and friendship devotions but today I read this verse and was reminded of the lonely person who reaches out. The Lord knew we needed one another to prosper (a good return for their labor), for help (can help the other up), for compassion (but how can one keep warm alone?). When we trust in Jesus to instruct our way of life, we can struggle past the hardest moments of our life - with someone. And our good God, He puts amazing people in our path to help us through, display compassion when we have none, and show us the prosperity that doesn't depreciate.
I'm so blessed to have found the Lord and learned the joy and strength in reaching out. I pray that you all are blessed with the same. The good plans He has will get you through anything and the greatest gift will not be the end but the journey.

Heavenly Father, You have always been present in my life, through the lonliness, rejection, storms ands trials. There were many times I didn't see You there or hear the help You sent, forgive me. But today, when I fight against the pride and the pain of lonliness, remind me gently with a voice from a loved one, a prayer from a friend. More importantly, help me cry out to You and those You have placed in my life. Because I seek to experience the prosperity, joy, love and healing that comes from knowing You and those You put in my life. In Jesus Christ I pray, amen.

Til Death Do Us Part

I remember very little, very clearly. Everything I remember is kind of like the old movies with fuzz and fade to it. My family teases me about it and everyone understands, Tiff is just so busy. But there are those moments that are just unforgettable. Like my wedding day, when I gave birth (all 4 times) or many other times when we felt as if only God where allowing us to watch. Sometimes it happens like that with bad memories too. I remember the few car accidents I've been in. I remember leaving my ex-husband and packing my kids in the car. I remember the day my husband drove away. There are just things we don't forget - even if we want to.
I guess because I don't remember much, if I remember something, its rather hard to un-remember it. And sometimes, with bad memories, we don't want to let them go and it holds us back from forgiveness. Now, God did NOT create no doorknobs but He did fearfully and wonderfully extend us grace and forgiveness.
Phil 2:8 NASB reminds us:
Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
So all those bad memories, from anyone they may stem from, we are asked to forgive and be obedient, even to the point of death. Merriem-Webster online defines forgive:

transitive verb

1

a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for <forgivean insult>

b : to grant relief from payment of <forgive a debt>

2

: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon<forgive one's enemies>

Amazing to me that it is found to be a transitive verb; it's a relational verb. It means that it relates not only one thing to another but also to something else. Forgiveness is not only related to what is being forgiven (or not), it spills over into other parts of our life. When we hold on to unforgiveness we hold on to the hurt and pain instead of allowing for true and fruitful restoration. It's a difficult, difficult act. When we remember why we need a Savior, it makes much more sense. We need someone to teach us to forgive, or we won't ever be fully healed and it will spill over into other parts of our lives, affecting who we are, how we act and what we do. Anything with that great an influence needs containment, don't you agree?
Whether you hold on to small resentment or you have years of bitterness, forgiveness isn't about justice. It's about us and our Savior. I had a great sister in Christ remind me, my forgiveness was not about the other person, it was about me and my Lord. It was holding me back from Jesus. Talk about relational! I wasn't trusting the God of the Universe to work out what had happened; to use it for good; to reveal to me His ultimate plan; to refine me and discard the worst parts of my heart. I was just, sisters and brothers, very just in my reason to be angry, hurt, upset; but I was still in disobedience by holding on to unforgiveness. When you have experienced hurt that penetrates deep, you build up walls and use those memories as the mortar that hold them all together. The pain you felt is each brick on that wall that guards your heart from feeling that way again. Honestly, it's the human version of the band aid. When we have up all these band-aid walls, we even keep out Jesus. When we break a leg, does the cast stay on for the rest of our lives? Not even close! If we never decide to remove the band-aid on our hearts, how can we see the restoration that God has planned for us? Tell me you're feeling the excitement I do as you place together the pieces and say, I will let go of my sorrow, my pain, my hurt today?!! I know it's not easy and you really can't let go of all it the first time. A scripture that has given me so much restoration is Ps 51:10.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
To fathom the thought that Jesus can give us new, clean hearts. What a thought! Do you need a clean, new heart today to experience the steadfast spirit David describes? You don't know if you can run a mile unless you try. It feels like death when we pull off that band-aid. It really does. I know. I really do. But can we be that obedient, to the point of our own death, to see the riches and peace the bible describes? I will tell you personally, it's not an easy, quick, simple task. Sometimes we will have to forgive and forgive and forgive. But don't despair. Use that emptiness, of letting go, to allow for the Creator of the Universe to truly heal you, inside and out. Watch how this relational verb, forgive, gives you a new heart and an enduring spirit.


Oh Lord, you are GOOD, but sometimes this life is not. I have held on to hurts and pains and made my own walls of protection to feel safe and strong again. But I was wrong. Help me to see that You hold the true power to heal me and that I don't deserve distance from You, no one does. I want to be healed and I want to let this go but it's not easy. It feels like I'm dying. But my trust is in You. I will die holding onto this or I will die right now, giving it to You. I trust in Your Promises and all the plans You have for me. I give this unforgiveness to You, my Lord, my Savior. And I ask for a new heart, a clean one that will give me the endurance to run this race and finish well. I thank you for this transparent time with You. In Jesus' name, amen.  

Walking on Water

For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstance...phil 4:11

What a concept that I have the hardest time living out. I'm grateful that Jesus is holding my hand and reminding me of this because on my own, I couldn't. Which explains the latter verse, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (phil 4:13). (I'm so glad the Lord made it clear, I need simple!) I've listened to Him speak to me and guide me into what I need, what others around me need and still not "ruin my plans" of a happily ever after, not-so-ridiculous home, semi-behaved children and a continuous college journey...not to mention other perks along the way. I don't mean to compare but I can help but keep up with the Joneses. I don't think I look exactly to one particular 'Jones', although the Joneses I do know have it together, which still makes it hard. Besides control issues, my biggest issue is trust. In a world of instant-gratification, we needn't 'trust' on something or someone for very long without some type of result. What if God's timing sometimes doesn't work out for my plans? There's that issue of trust again...do I trust He has a better plan for my life than me??

But one thing I am certain, leaving behind and pressing forward to the upward call of Christ. (phil 3:1). Keeping this verse on the forefront of my mind has allowed my Lord to come into my thoughts about comparison, lack of (items, position or even trust) and it reminds me He is in charge and I asked Him to be. I'm grateful for it, everyday, but I confess it's a horrible struggle and I'm sure He shakes His head but doesn't give up on me (while I would give up and shake my finger! ;p). It's a daily thing, taking up our cross, but it's a wonderful freedom to have peace in a times of a storm or even a drought. Jesus said, "You of little faith..."(matt 14:22-33). Are you ready? Am I ready, to walk on water and experience His miracle in the storm? 

The Happy Christian...

It started off with a simple question at the beginning of our conversation, 'How are you?' Initially, I wanted to reply:
Today is just the end of a really hard week and I feel beaten and junk and there's nothing left in me.
But I thought twice and about 3 seconds after the question it came out more like 'I'm good,' with a deep inhale.

Thank the Good Lord Above it was my accountability partner on the other end because in those 3 seconds of silence and inhaling, she knew my words didn't come close to expressing HOW I was on the other end of her phone. What a glorious moment when the Holy Spirit intercedes! She responded with a pause and an inhale of her own and we both laughed knowing that our actions were an agreement to our own heavy mind filled thoughts and emotions. We joked about how we should be those happy Christians filled with joy to all those who pass! We want to carry that demeanor but today, during both of our hard seasons, we were struggling.

Being the blossoming green tree in the summer desert of Psalms is a personal goal of mine. It's so very personal for me because my life has had many seasons of deserts. It was a scripture meant for me. So at moments when I felt more like the half dead brown I am disappointed by my lack of green.

Although my words lacked depth, my actions did not. The Holy Spirit intervened and we both hung up with renewed strength. That conversation gave me a chance to exhale all the stinking thinking and take a moment to change my perspective. I was blessed by that moment. I was able to process my feelings (a vent session followed!). But,  I was able to draw comfort in the truth about myself and in being honest too. 

2 Corinthians 12:9 NASB

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."  Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

My weakness is that I'm not always joyful and I let the dry heat of the desert evaporate my Living Water. Thankfully not to death, rather to a greater understanding of Grace and Weakness. That one moment is still changing my perspective and I truly, in all joy and hope, am grateful for that. I'm grateful He loves me just as I am. Even when I'm not the Happy Christian. I am not letting go of that goal; I'm just changing the direction of my perspective to Someone Higher.

Psalm 34:1-3 NASB

I will bless the LORD  at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul will make its boast in the LORD ;
The humble will hear it and rejoice. O magnify the LORD  with me,
And let us exalt His name together.

We all could use room to improve but there are times we also need to stop ignoring our inner thoughts and feelings and accept that the Good Lord knows... And He isn't denying your less-than-perfect feelings. It's okay you're a little broken, because ONLY then will we know clearly when something amazing was 100% God given. And those silence and inhaling moments are usually followed by tears - tears of that utmost joy those Happy Christians can't seem to have enough of!

Divide and Conquer

I have not been in a relationship with Jesus that long. For me, the lady few years have truly been the beginning of my end and there's still tons of me to fix. But...I can whole heartedly say that these last few years I've seen great joy and great pain, new beginnings and final endings. To say the least, my Lord Jesus has blown my mind and left me utterly confused all together.
One of the easiest temptations for me had been the notion of salvation fortune - I'm saved so everything goes good for me now- mentality. My pastor has this great saying: Its not clean up your act and follow Jesus, its follow Jesus and watch what He'll do to your act. I love it because it reminds me that only Jesus has the way, the truth and the light. But what I found to be the area of temptation for me is that I want Jesus to clean up my act for the story I write. Jesus, I need this home, that college, this car, my family should be doing this, my children should behave like this..I had my list of successful acts that I wanted 'Jesus' to fix. And although my life was getting cleaned up, He's revealed to me so much more about all of me that shown me there's so much more to success than my list. And my blessings are to be for His kingdom...not my own. I thought the plans I had for me would completely coincide with the plans that He has for me, 100% of the time! Sometimes they have and sometimes they haven't. In this I've learned to trust Him and SEEK Him. Because even when you think you know everything there is to know about the Alpha and Omega, He switches it up and throws you a curve ball.

This new year we make resolutions to help us focus on accomplishing. Where I would normally have a long list, today the Lord had told me clearly,'its not about you and your plans. I'm gonna give you so much more.' And so in retrospect of change, I'm letting go of the reigns and watching my life be given up daily that His will may be done. Its really, really hard but I know that He wouldn't leave my side.
I hope this year the desires of your heart reflect the heart of the Almighty and watch His will be done in your life with amazement! God bless!

Galatians 5:13 NASB

For you were called to freedom, brethren; only  do  not  turn  your freedom into an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.

Trust and obedience...my two least favorite words :p

As a few relationships in my life have been a struggle, I ponder the events of the past and the consequences temporal weakness has brought me. Honestly, I'm more disappointed in myself then anyone.

Its been further difficult to realize and accept that although I'm certain of my feelings and thoughts on a matter, I'm still to fast and pray without ceasing. To be quite honest, I don't want to. I want things to change and I want to have peace about this but as I often prepare to move ahead on my plans, the Good Lord finds a way to whisper, 'trust me'. Trust me. I thought three little words had an impact...whew, not so much as those two. The next moment I usually imagine my life of decisions with and without walking with the Lord and my faith is renewed. 100 out of 100 times He has never failed. I was given the advice to listen to testimony to help me see the work Jesus can do in us when we follow...it was the best advice ever! Nothing beats knowing someone who experienced something you may be going through, other than hearing the scripture they clung to and you know it too! ;)

So, pray without ceasing. Fast if you are being called to fast. Obey because you trust and if He says Be still, know that you're dodging a bullet. Because a renewed mind on God is a powerful perspective.

1 Peter 1:13 NASB

Therefore, prepare your minds for action, keep sober  in spirit,  fix your hope completely on the grace to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.

One step closer ;)

Psalm 119:10 NASB

With all my heart I have sought You;
Do not let me wander from Your commandments.

In much fear and desperation I've watched me strain to not let go of God's hand. I'm sad to admit that and even more ashamed to say that there are times I still let go.
In todays scripture there is so much hope for the sinner who let's go of God's hand in fear, anger, regret, you name it. But to think if we just hold to our love FOR Jesus He can make our ways straight! Verse 14 says that the testimonies of the Lord bring joy, hallelujah!!! In darkness, hold onto light; in despair, cling to the Almighty. The work still to be done in us will bring so many great joy! We all have a testimony to share! Obedience comes from a loving child's heart.

Thank you Lord for Your Word and Your commandments. The blessing of my testimony is that I know You were there. When I am weak, please be my strength. When I am lost, please guide my way. Forgive me for thinking I can live a part of my life without You. I need you and seek only to live my life for You. In Jesus name, Amen.

Smiling through tears and fears...

When I started to live my life for God one of the hardest lessons I had to learn was that it didn't matter how obedient I am, trouble will come. I knew as a lost person trouble came at any time, what I didn't understand was how I could endure trials at times when I was called to celebrate and be overjoyed.

A year ago I endured a loss in my marriage that threw me into depression. It was in this time that I argued with the Lord. I shook my fists in the air and in desperation asked how and why this happened. Saddened and confused, I didn't understand how I had been so diligent to seek Him and yet this was something I still had to endure. I never understood James, count my trials as joys; and I didn't understand the true meaning of saved by grace not by works (Eph 2).

It was a time for mourning. Mourning what wasn't and what was in my life. It was also Christmas. It was not to be a time for joy and celebration. I didn't even want to put the happy face on for my children. I wanted to curl up in a ball and let the holiday weeks just pass unknowingly. But that wasn't the reality of my situation. I went to Christmas dinners and Christmas programs, I spent my time in church and parties. And if you saw me, I cut my hair off! That was all I could do to express my hurt, my anguish for such times.

The first week of January I got a text from a sister in Christ for lunch with some other sisters. We got together to share the experience of our holidays. Ashamed and unable to conceal my hurt and pain, I poured out my loss. I shared in the sadness of my life. It was a moment of nakedness. I felt I had nothing else to loose. And God blessed me and gave me covering. As  I shared, another sister had endured similar trials and was able to share my grief in a way that brought me so much comfort.

That day I left there with a new sense of comfort and joy. I could smile through my tears and fears. I saw God that day and He was real and He came and hugged me with the love of those around me.

This time of year is still difficult for me and although I'm blessed and I have come a long way, I still mourn the past. I'm still a work in progress and one day I will be able to look at this time of year in a new and refreshing way but for now, my pain and fears will be given over to my Comforter and I will smile in these times and count my trials as joy. Because I know He will give me comfort in ways I never knew.

Everything else is sinking sand when we're not standing on to God's promises. My journal was my bible, and then I found sisters to teach me of God's love. I found faith in the way He sent others to guide me and encourage me. I found joy in believing those promises, even in hard times.

If you need prayer, bare all and ASK. I do! I need prayer and God's love for mercy and forgiveness and healing. And I'll gladly pray that for others because I have seen His power work through our prayers.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

¹⁶ Rejoice always; ¹⁷ pray without ceasing; ¹⁸ in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Independence from dependence

On this lovely 4 day Thanksgiving weekend I prepared my heart and that of my family for praising God with an attitude of gratitude. I was quite blessed by the amount of joy and peace we were able to share with others as we prepared for a rather hectic week that was first and foremost Christ centered.
So...I was truly unprepared to leave our Wed-before-Thanksgiving  prayer night with a request from my Papa God to fast from caffeine. It seemed like such an odd request but as I am day 3 w/o any caffeine, my journey is definitely one to note. So let me share with you the joy in my break away from caffeine.

A bit of background on my caffeine intake and need. As a mother of 4 broad range age children, a full time engineering student  and wife to a man working 7 days a week right now - I'm a bit crunched for time. It takes lots of prayer to remain sane, lots. But never underestimate the power of prayer! ;) Needless to say as my semester has progressed so has my caffeine intake.

Wednesday night during our prayer session, I confessed before the Lord a hefty load of sins (yes, I'm a sinner, pray for me!). One area He clarified for me was a lack of trust. I wanted to argue with Him but it was Him, what else could I say but, "Show me." I got a bulging headache and was really tired and immediately thought of reaching for some type of caffeine (soda, coffee, energy drink, even diet pills). Sad, isn't it? I didn't even think of taking an asprin?!! I prayed for soda!! LOL...crazy, I know (remember the sanity prayer?); our conversation was pretty direct at that point as He clarified a need for clean and detox the caffeine.He revealed it was truly a lack of trust and a lack of care. When I think of my physical health, I think of:
1 Corinthians 6:19
Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?

But when I think of trust:
Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight. 

My way was drinking coffee, followed by a red bull, while taking energy pills and vitamins in between meals. Unable to sleep in due to the rigorous 6 am wake up call my children get, (and now give back on Holidays) my days continue to begin promptly at 6. So as Thanksgiving was upon us bright and early, I experienced similar pains early in the day as well as fatigue. Who would of thought my body would still be tired after 10 hrs of sleep in 3 days? As my detox weekend continued, I realized that my dependence on caffeine substituted my dependence on the Almighty.

When we issue our own execution of His plan, it doesn't quite come out the Way He meant. Jeremiah 29:11 is a promise I cling to daily but I undertook that promise and executed it in my own understanding. I wasn't recognizing how much He wanted me to depend on Him for strength - to rest when He says rest - or be of sound mind and body when my 16 month old colors my body with markers because he woke up before me.

I'm called to be so much more than a caffeine junkie, one prayer away from becoming undone, and certainly not the best picture of the Almighty to the saved or unsaved. I don't believe I'm called to save anyone. As a wife, mother, daughter to the Almighty, student, friend, sister, classmate, I'm called to be a Light. I wasn't able to be that Light because I wasn't plugged in to the Ultimate Source. Yes, I was praying. Yes, I was doing my devotions. Yes, I've been in church. Yet, something in me was depending more on the caffeine to get me through exams, prepping for holidays and a busy family. And My Papa was kind enough to not let it go any further.

A change of heart, diet, attitude or habit are only a prayer away. And the promises of His Word are those that allow us to move past small issues to big ones and back again. I've watched the Lord change my life by miles and still fix the block right up the road. Open every avenue to let Him in and Lead; there is rest, peace, joy, kindness, gentleness and love waiting for you.

In these 3 days of independence, I've heard my Papa call me clearly. I've walked out in faith in other areas of my life. I've been blessed to enjoy my children and this time off. And now, as I reflect on these days - I'm so grateful. I prayed for rest and He gave it to me in such a way that I can't thank Him enough. I was tired...I couldn't say anything else about my life these past couple of months and this weekend I was given rest.  I'm thankful for a God who gives me what I need. In two weeks I have finals and I found new strength and will finish the race! :)

Be blessed with ears to hear our Papa guide you and direct your steps and enjoy the victory of all He has already done in our lives and continues to do!

Isaiah 40:31 (NASB)

Yet those who wait for the Lord
Will gain new strength;
They will mount up with wings like eagles,
They will run and not get tired,
They will walk and not become weary.