For a nation has invaded my land,
Mighty and without number;
It's teeth are the teeth of a lion,
And it has the fangs of a lioness.
Joel 1:6
"Mighty and without number" seems rather accurate in my battles with an addict and his addiction. The devastation that follows the path of destruction ravaged my home, stole the joy from our hearts and the song from our mouths with a look or a grunt from a recovering monster. Harsh, I know. But like a nightmare that fades away slowly as you awake, the days of his coming down eventually faded until it seemed unreal and impossible...until it would happen again.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is how I often described the difference. Unfortunately, as Dr. Jekyll was initially unwilling to acknowledge Mr. Hyde, so my husband was blind to the Hyde in him. At times, it was pointless to debate the behavior but the words exchanged became my only weapon against such an invasion. The walls to mask the symptoms seemed stronger than the love I shouldered trying to break it down. Many nights of prayers and silent tears eventually created bitterness and aggression that turned into depression. The hope of change seemed not just a distant journey but rather a hopeless fable.
While I've had the joy of knowing my Savior intimately for 3 years now, it's still been 8 years that I've watched my house, heart and family torn apart with poisonous fangs that obscure reality with wounds that medicine can't reach. The inconsistency of battles seemed timely and precise with my patience and the love that I once fought with has become the walls that I now protect my children and myself.
The tides in our battle turned from that of offense to defense quickly and eventually the weapon I boldly wielded became the shield that saved me.
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,
But against the rulers,
Against the powers,
Against the forces of darkness,
Against the spiritual forces of wickedness in heavenly places.
Eph 6:12
Having nothing left to give, I expelled the man I once loved for a place a refuge and wall of hope...not for me but for the innocent I had failed to protect. The children who, under no form of physical attack, wore scars of countless spiritual battles. Their faith in tact and more of a light for me in darkness then they'll ever know, I placed walls around my home, heart and family. I can't save my husband, only Jesus can. But I will no longer be at the forefront of the battle, letting the enemy of our souls tear away at the love and faith I have in Christ.
Lord God, in my dramatic tale of spiritual battle, the comparison of physical wounds is nothing compared to the wounds endured fighting in the spiritual. The pain and suffering all of us, my husband included, have endured have countless times been attempts to truly tear us from You. And with tears in my eyes of this revelation I am without breath knowing that without Your covering through this all, I would not be here. I would not have children who are safe, healthy and healing. I would not see light or hope that only You provide. And my husband, God bless his soul, would not be at Your Feet seeking Your Mercy, Grace and Healing. I know that I am not alone. There are numerous other families that being torn apart by the savage attacks of addiction. I pray for them now Lord. I pray for those who don't yet know you but are in search...I know that search. I remember losing all hope and the darkness closing in...I remember Your Hand first just outstretched then a warm embrace. I remember the protection and I remember watching You fight for us, all of us. Your Word promises that You go before to make a way...I need that to be true. I need to know that as I step forward in faith, You are behind me as my rear guard. I have bore all Father in hopes that anyone else needing You would find this. That if there are others in darkness You would outstretch Your Hand and be the Light they seek in their time of darkness. May Your Word, Will and Way overcome and if it be Your Will, please, heal my family. In Jesus name I pray, amen.
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