Have faith?

Tell me how much can my soul take?
We make mistakes, we hurt we need amazing grace.

So we pray tonight, that you don't get weak.
And please pray that I don't forget what I believe
Cuz these days are hard and faith sometimes is work

Pray until he heals the hurt
I trust God will heal the hurt.

Everyone hurts, but not for long.
That weight you bear will make you strong
Your guilty stains can be erased, the final price, paid by his life
amazing grace.

Lyrics from: Everybody Hurts by Kirk Franklin

The song above is not in complete but rather in order for me. The lyrics and accompanying notes have guided me through many of dark nights and days. I really should send Kirk Franklin and his choir emails daily of thanks. Music has a wonderful way of expressing that which we may be unable to express. More than just expressions of emotions for me, music has been a window to release fears or a realization of my thoughts that I may otherwise have ignored or shuffled aside.

When going through hard times I have the tendency to bottle things up and focus on driving forward. In the process, I hurt those closest to me. I ruin the love and the plans that God has intended for me because in my pain, I accept the hurt rather than let it go to heal. Forgiveness is possible but releasing the pain is not even an option. It's the real part of me. It's a numbing, driving force that's built up the foundation of fear. Letting it go would mean knocking the walls of distrust that I've built. It's a pretty ugly picture, I realize now that I write about it. But that's why I write...because if I didn't reflect here, I wouldn't. Being bare and transparent opens up new possibility. What kind of possibility is completely out of my control. This is the difference between speaking faith and living it.

The rawest part of the song, for me, is when they ask for someone to pray they don't forget what they believe. That's got to be a whole lot of pain that can cause someone to forget what they believe. Is that possible? You bet. I know it. I've been there. I let go of God and didn't trust Him or anyone else for that matter. I've read other people's testimony as they lost a child or been abused and no longer wanted to believe. But if we look around our in our society there's tons of folks who have lost their faith. Is that what we do? We lose it like it's an object or possession. Is it a fleeting emotion that doesn't "stick around" under the right conditions?

"And the apostle said unto the Lord, increase our faith."—Luke 17:5
Faith is of the utmost importance to a Christian. There is nothing of which we should have a greater and a more earnest concern than our faith. REV. C. H. Spurgeon

My children, as I'm sure most of yours, love to make up songs. It's pretty amazing to me, being very left brain, that such creativity can come at the flick of a moment. My little spark, he has a love and faith in God that he just loves to share. It amazes me. He just believes. And he wants to know more. He will just sing the name Jesus. And while it may just seem a cute thing, I pray he never outgrows that. I pray for his faith to be protected from the hurt and pain of this world.

And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." Matt 18:3

So all alone, I did what my son does. I just sang the name Jesus until it meant something. Until it did something...and you know what? It did. First, it brought me to tears. Then, I felt all the hurt I was holding onto. And eventually I let it go and felt a release I really needed. Peace.

If you are at the crossroads in your beliefs and not sure if you want to take the risk of letting go, only you can do this. There's no special Jesus song you can sing. For me, music was the only window I was willing to let Jesus into. Sad, don't you think? But it was enough. He will not stop fighting for you either.

To the truest Lover of my soul, I am unworthy of the love, mercy and grace You shower me with daily and sometimes lots of times in one day. You are the Bread of Life and Your Peace truly surpasses all of my understanding. We are saved by faith Lord and the enemy will do whatever he can to diminish our fire for You. I'm weak Lord. Even though you have parted the sea for me, I still am crying out for the past, for familiar chains. I'm so sorry. I don't want those chains. I don't want to be tethered to the square area of sin I made myself, I want the Promise Land You have prepared for me, in the presence of my enemies. I want to know that Your Goodness and Mercy follow me all the days of my life. So bless those around me who have kept me in prayer. Bless them for holding onto You when I could not. Bless them for knowing that I was just a scared little girl who was afraid of the pain. Bless them that stood and protected me while You waited patiently for me to open a window. Thank you Lord just for loving me. Thank you for wanting to not leave me where I am. I am ready to let go of this pain and instead hold onto You. May I seek You with the same heart I see in my child and I thank You for his little spark. It was a bright light for me. If today Lord someone reading this needs Your Light, Your warmth, comfort and peace, I pray that they would truly give You their pain and hurt in exchange. May we all enjoy singing the name of Jesus forever more. In Your name I pray, amen.

False Evidence Appearing Real part 2

For a nation has invaded my land,
Mighty and without number;
It's teeth are the teeth of a lion,
And it has the fangs of a lioness. 
Joel 1:6


"Mighty and without number" seems rather accurate in my battles with an addict and his addiction. The devastation that follows the path of destruction ravaged my home, stole the joy from our hearts and the song from our mouths with a look or a grunt from a recovering monster. Harsh, I know. But like a nightmare that fades away slowly as you awake, the days of his coming down eventually faded until it seemed unreal and impossible...until it would happen again.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is how I often described the difference. Unfortunately, as Dr. Jekyll was initially unwilling to acknowledge Mr. Hyde, so my husband was blind to the Hyde in him. At times, it was pointless to debate the behavior but the words exchanged became my only weapon against such an invasion. The walls to mask the symptoms seemed stronger than the love I shouldered trying to break it down. Many nights of prayers and silent tears eventually created bitterness and aggression that turned into depression. The hope of change seemed not just a distant journey but rather a hopeless fable.

While I've had the joy of knowing my Savior intimately for 3 years now, it's still been 8 years that I've watched my house, heart and family torn apart with poisonous fangs that obscure reality with wounds that medicine can't reach. The inconsistency of battles seemed timely and precise with my patience and the love that I once fought with has become the walls that I now protect my children and myself.

The tides in our battle turned from that of offense to defense quickly and eventually the weapon I boldly wielded became the shield that saved me.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,
But against the rulers,
Against the powers,
Against the forces of darkness, 
Against the spiritual forces of wickedness in heavenly places.
Eph 6:12

Having nothing left to give, I expelled the man I once loved for a place a refuge and wall of hope...not for me but for the innocent I had failed to protect. The children who, under no form of physical attack, wore scars of countless spiritual battles. Their faith in tact and more of a light for me in darkness then they'll ever know, I placed walls around my home, heart and family. I can't save my husband, only Jesus can. But I will no longer be at the forefront of the battle, letting the enemy of our souls tear away at the love and faith I have in Christ.

Lord God, in my dramatic tale of spiritual battle, the comparison of physical wounds is nothing compared to the wounds endured fighting in the spiritual. The pain and suffering all of us, my husband included, have endured have countless times been attempts to truly tear us from You. And with tears in my eyes of this revelation I am without breath knowing that without Your covering through this all, I would not be here. I would not have children who are safe, healthy and healing. I would not see light or hope that only You provide. And my husband, God bless his soul, would not be at Your Feet seeking Your Mercy, Grace and Healing. I know that I am not alone. There are numerous other families that being torn apart by the savage attacks of addiction. I pray for them now Lord. I pray for those who don't yet know you but are in search...I know that search. I remember losing all hope and the darkness closing in...I remember Your Hand first just outstretched then a warm embrace. I remember the protection and I remember watching You fight for us, all of us. Your Word promises that You go before to make a way...I need that to be true. I need to know that as I step forward in faith, You are behind me as my rear guard. I have bore all Father in hopes that anyone else needing You would find this. That if there are others in darkness You would outstretch Your Hand and be the Light they seek in their time of darkness. May Your Word, Will and Way overcome and if it be Your Will, please, heal my family. In Jesus name I pray, amen.