It started off with a simple question at the beginning of our conversation, 'How are you?' Initially, I wanted to reply:
Today is just the end of a really hard week and I feel beaten and junk and there's nothing left in me.
But I thought twice and about 3 seconds after the question it came out more like 'I'm good,' with a deep inhale.
Thank the Good Lord Above it was my accountability partner on the other end because in those 3 seconds of silence and inhaling, she knew my words didn't come close to expressing HOW I was on the other end of her phone. What a glorious moment when the Holy Spirit intercedes! She responded with a pause and an inhale of her own and we both laughed knowing that our actions were an agreement to our own heavy mind filled thoughts and emotions. We joked about how we should be those happy Christians filled with joy to all those who pass! We want to carry that demeanor but today, during both of our hard seasons, we were struggling.
Being the blossoming green tree in the summer desert of Psalms is a personal goal of mine. It's so very personal for me because my life has had many seasons of deserts. It was a scripture meant for me. So at moments when I felt more like the half dead brown I am disappointed by my lack of green.
Although my words lacked depth, my actions did not. The Holy Spirit intervened and we both hung up with renewed strength. That conversation gave me a chance to exhale all the stinking thinking and take a moment to change my perspective. I was blessed by that moment. I was able to process my feelings (a vent session followed!). But, I was able to draw comfort in the truth about myself and in being honest too.
2 Corinthians 12:9 NASB
And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.
My weakness is that I'm not always joyful and I let the dry heat of the desert evaporate my Living Water. Thankfully not to death, rather to a greater understanding of Grace and Weakness. That one moment is still changing my perspective and I truly, in all joy and hope, am grateful for that. I'm grateful He loves me just as I am. Even when I'm not the Happy Christian. I am not letting go of that goal; I'm just changing the direction of my perspective to Someone Higher.
Psalm 34:1-3 NASB
I will bless the LORD at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul will make its boast in the LORD ;
The humble will hear it and rejoice. O magnify the LORD with me,
And let us exalt His name together.
We all could use room to improve but there are times we also need to stop ignoring our inner thoughts and feelings and accept that the Good Lord knows... And He isn't denying your less-than-perfect feelings. It's okay you're a little broken, because ONLY then will we know clearly when something amazing was 100% God given. And those silence and inhaling moments are usually followed by tears - tears of that utmost joy those Happy Christians can't seem to have enough of!
