Have faith?

Tell me how much can my soul take?
We make mistakes, we hurt we need amazing grace.

So we pray tonight, that you don't get weak.
And please pray that I don't forget what I believe
Cuz these days are hard and faith sometimes is work

Pray until he heals the hurt
I trust God will heal the hurt.

Everyone hurts, but not for long.
That weight you bear will make you strong
Your guilty stains can be erased, the final price, paid by his life
amazing grace.

Lyrics from: Everybody Hurts by Kirk Franklin

The song above is not in complete but rather in order for me. The lyrics and accompanying notes have guided me through many of dark nights and days. I really should send Kirk Franklin and his choir emails daily of thanks. Music has a wonderful way of expressing that which we may be unable to express. More than just expressions of emotions for me, music has been a window to release fears or a realization of my thoughts that I may otherwise have ignored or shuffled aside.

When going through hard times I have the tendency to bottle things up and focus on driving forward. In the process, I hurt those closest to me. I ruin the love and the plans that God has intended for me because in my pain, I accept the hurt rather than let it go to heal. Forgiveness is possible but releasing the pain is not even an option. It's the real part of me. It's a numbing, driving force that's built up the foundation of fear. Letting it go would mean knocking the walls of distrust that I've built. It's a pretty ugly picture, I realize now that I write about it. But that's why I write...because if I didn't reflect here, I wouldn't. Being bare and transparent opens up new possibility. What kind of possibility is completely out of my control. This is the difference between speaking faith and living it.

The rawest part of the song, for me, is when they ask for someone to pray they don't forget what they believe. That's got to be a whole lot of pain that can cause someone to forget what they believe. Is that possible? You bet. I know it. I've been there. I let go of God and didn't trust Him or anyone else for that matter. I've read other people's testimony as they lost a child or been abused and no longer wanted to believe. But if we look around our in our society there's tons of folks who have lost their faith. Is that what we do? We lose it like it's an object or possession. Is it a fleeting emotion that doesn't "stick around" under the right conditions?

"And the apostle said unto the Lord, increase our faith."—Luke 17:5
Faith is of the utmost importance to a Christian. There is nothing of which we should have a greater and a more earnest concern than our faith. REV. C. H. Spurgeon

My children, as I'm sure most of yours, love to make up songs. It's pretty amazing to me, being very left brain, that such creativity can come at the flick of a moment. My little spark, he has a love and faith in God that he just loves to share. It amazes me. He just believes. And he wants to know more. He will just sing the name Jesus. And while it may just seem a cute thing, I pray he never outgrows that. I pray for his faith to be protected from the hurt and pain of this world.

And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." Matt 18:3

So all alone, I did what my son does. I just sang the name Jesus until it meant something. Until it did something...and you know what? It did. First, it brought me to tears. Then, I felt all the hurt I was holding onto. And eventually I let it go and felt a release I really needed. Peace.

If you are at the crossroads in your beliefs and not sure if you want to take the risk of letting go, only you can do this. There's no special Jesus song you can sing. For me, music was the only window I was willing to let Jesus into. Sad, don't you think? But it was enough. He will not stop fighting for you either.

To the truest Lover of my soul, I am unworthy of the love, mercy and grace You shower me with daily and sometimes lots of times in one day. You are the Bread of Life and Your Peace truly surpasses all of my understanding. We are saved by faith Lord and the enemy will do whatever he can to diminish our fire for You. I'm weak Lord. Even though you have parted the sea for me, I still am crying out for the past, for familiar chains. I'm so sorry. I don't want those chains. I don't want to be tethered to the square area of sin I made myself, I want the Promise Land You have prepared for me, in the presence of my enemies. I want to know that Your Goodness and Mercy follow me all the days of my life. So bless those around me who have kept me in prayer. Bless them for holding onto You when I could not. Bless them for knowing that I was just a scared little girl who was afraid of the pain. Bless them that stood and protected me while You waited patiently for me to open a window. Thank you Lord just for loving me. Thank you for wanting to not leave me where I am. I am ready to let go of this pain and instead hold onto You. May I seek You with the same heart I see in my child and I thank You for his little spark. It was a bright light for me. If today Lord someone reading this needs Your Light, Your warmth, comfort and peace, I pray that they would truly give You their pain and hurt in exchange. May we all enjoy singing the name of Jesus forever more. In Your name I pray, amen.

False Evidence Appearing Real part 2

For a nation has invaded my land,
Mighty and without number;
It's teeth are the teeth of a lion,
And it has the fangs of a lioness. 
Joel 1:6


"Mighty and without number" seems rather accurate in my battles with an addict and his addiction. The devastation that follows the path of destruction ravaged my home, stole the joy from our hearts and the song from our mouths with a look or a grunt from a recovering monster. Harsh, I know. But like a nightmare that fades away slowly as you awake, the days of his coming down eventually faded until it seemed unreal and impossible...until it would happen again.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is how I often described the difference. Unfortunately, as Dr. Jekyll was initially unwilling to acknowledge Mr. Hyde, so my husband was blind to the Hyde in him. At times, it was pointless to debate the behavior but the words exchanged became my only weapon against such an invasion. The walls to mask the symptoms seemed stronger than the love I shouldered trying to break it down. Many nights of prayers and silent tears eventually created bitterness and aggression that turned into depression. The hope of change seemed not just a distant journey but rather a hopeless fable.

While I've had the joy of knowing my Savior intimately for 3 years now, it's still been 8 years that I've watched my house, heart and family torn apart with poisonous fangs that obscure reality with wounds that medicine can't reach. The inconsistency of battles seemed timely and precise with my patience and the love that I once fought with has become the walls that I now protect my children and myself.

The tides in our battle turned from that of offense to defense quickly and eventually the weapon I boldly wielded became the shield that saved me.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,
But against the rulers,
Against the powers,
Against the forces of darkness, 
Against the spiritual forces of wickedness in heavenly places.
Eph 6:12

Having nothing left to give, I expelled the man I once loved for a place a refuge and wall of hope...not for me but for the innocent I had failed to protect. The children who, under no form of physical attack, wore scars of countless spiritual battles. Their faith in tact and more of a light for me in darkness then they'll ever know, I placed walls around my home, heart and family. I can't save my husband, only Jesus can. But I will no longer be at the forefront of the battle, letting the enemy of our souls tear away at the love and faith I have in Christ.

Lord God, in my dramatic tale of spiritual battle, the comparison of physical wounds is nothing compared to the wounds endured fighting in the spiritual. The pain and suffering all of us, my husband included, have endured have countless times been attempts to truly tear us from You. And with tears in my eyes of this revelation I am without breath knowing that without Your covering through this all, I would not be here. I would not have children who are safe, healthy and healing. I would not see light or hope that only You provide. And my husband, God bless his soul, would not be at Your Feet seeking Your Mercy, Grace and Healing. I know that I am not alone. There are numerous other families that being torn apart by the savage attacks of addiction. I pray for them now Lord. I pray for those who don't yet know you but are in search...I know that search. I remember losing all hope and the darkness closing in...I remember Your Hand first just outstretched then a warm embrace. I remember the protection and I remember watching You fight for us, all of us. Your Word promises that You go before to make a way...I need that to be true. I need to know that as I step forward in faith, You are behind me as my rear guard. I have bore all Father in hopes that anyone else needing You would find this. That if there are others in darkness You would outstretch Your Hand and be the Light they seek in their time of darkness. May Your Word, Will and Way overcome and if it be Your Will, please, heal my family. In Jesus name I pray, amen.

Running on E

I had very little sleep that day. A stressful schedule at school full of exams, holidays coming up, breaks and preparations I was planning in between sleep that looked more like naps and on top of that marriage conversations consisting mostly of the days chore duty. Life was overwhelming and no matter how much I was trying to keep it from spinning out of control, it already was. 

Pick a day, any day during the months of Aug - May, that's my life. It pushes forward while somehow being so distant. The distance looks frayed like a hot summer day, only a horizon blocked out by Google Calendar alerts and bill statement balancing. Life was so overwhelming it wasn't happening at all. I have heard many speakers say, "If the devil can't make you sin, he'll make you busy." And while I know this to be true, I didn't know what was I supposed to get rid of? Was it one of kids, or their need for help with school, friends, church, sports...life? Nope. Maybe it was my husband? Ok, now I'm just being mean! Lol. While I felt that maybe there seemed to be nothing "extra" to remove, I finally came to the realization...what am I missing? What did I take away that was here to lift me, encourage me and help me lean on the Lord ...I was doing my devotionals and praying often. (Help me Lord to love that person that just cut me off. Thank you Jesus the deadline got postponed). But something was missing from my fire and He had finally got my attention to find it.

While the cycle of fullness is still true today, my approach to ease the burden of well, life, is no longer only what to take away but how much more of God do I need to add in. Because if I'm already doing the bare minimum and still feeling emptied, then I must not be filling up on the right things. Yes, I've simplified the goody bag items and decorations (although, that is secretly my fave past-time) and sought to balance the time away from home. I've realized my emptiness in life's busyness is not about the actual logistics of Google Calendar's overlapping and 10 minute transitions. It wasn't about my over-commitments,  it was about my under-commitment to God. 

It's about being too spiritually empty to be the woman God has called me to be. It's about not forsaking the fellowship or seeking God in quiet time or meditation or loving my neighbor. I've learned now to be flexible to the Spirit's calling because I believe He knows best. And while I wasn't sure why I needed to call my Grandma and talk for 35 minutes, I know that I hung up filled and full of His Truth and the rest of my day seemed to happen rather purposefully. It was the start of many days that no longer passed me by but rather, were very near and dear to my heart.

But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
And in His law he meditates day and night.
3 He will be like a tree firmly planted by streams of water,
Which yields its fruit in its season
And its leaf does not wither;
And in whatever he does, he prospers. Ps 1:2-3

In the hustle and bustle of our culture, we often forget that our purpose is to further the Kingdom of God. If we seek these first, all others will be added (Matt 6:33). Learning to live each day for the Lord is a change in mind, word and deed but ever so possible. It's not easy and we won't always get it perfect. But the joy and peace we receive are enough to fill us daily, our daily manna. He knows what we need, so let's be mindful to ask Him what it is.


Almighty God, I am unworthy of Your Mercy, Grace and Love, yet You extend them to me freely. When I seem to be filled up on time and activities, You bring me just what I need to not only be filled, but accomplish Your Will. My day no longer becomes about my will but Your Kingdom that I am blessed to be apart of. I want more days like that Lord. I don't want life to feel so distant I can't see You or life. I can't be the woman You created me to be without You, so find the ways to tell me to stop, drop and pray. Remind me gently to be that fruitful tree in every season of life. I am grateful for Your Word and the Peace it brings me and it's even better when I get a chance to practice it daily. In Your Name Lord Jesus I pray, amen. 

When Mountains Slip Into the Seas

Psalms 46:1-3 NASB

God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change And though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; Though its waters roar and foam, Though the mountains quake at its swelling pride. Selah.

My kitchen floor has a special place in my heart, even in it's messy, spotted tiles. It was there that I knelt before the Lord with tears that wouldn't quit, begging for the pain to stop. I felt as though I was dying inside, watching my husband and brother (in-law) struggle through their addiction. And one day, when both of them chose to not come home, I was broken. The strength that had carried me was gone and I cried out in anguish to the Lord. It was truly my end...but just the right time for Jesus. In the defeat of my 'help' I finally moved aside and allowed Jesus to work in the hearts and lives of my husband and brother, but also in me. In my brokenness, when it seemed as if all the earth was shaken and moved, everything stopped when my Great King came beside me and wrapped His Merciful Arms around me and whispered He would take this. With no fight left in me, He was able to be their Savior so that I could rest. Selah. My grandmother once told me that selah in the wonderful book of Psalms meant to stop, reflect and find peace in that which has just been said.

If you have been through storms and stood at the frontline of spiritual warfare, you are not alone. We are called to have faith the size of mustard seeds that one day would move mountains. When your day comes, please allow me to pray with you, as I was so blessed to have others who prayed with me. Find your comfort in the Mighty One, Holy One, Powerful One, Creator of the Universe...because in His greatest Strength, YOU are still His most sought after prize. When you feel as if you are dying, remember, He already has. Lord, please bless the person who needs to hear this today.

My Great King, Merciful Father, You are so faithful, there is no one more comforting. You are always there, ever present and a help in times of need. I love that You Want to save me and already have, I need you more today. Many changes here have felt as though my world is crumbling and even as I look back Lord, You have never left me. But I need Your Comfort and I need for You to take the wheel. Save me and save my loved ones because only You can. I am fearful of the future but I know that You have plans for me to prosper and hope and I will rest on those plans and promises today. You are my Comforter and I will praise You. In Jesus' name I pray, amen.

False Evidence Appearing Real...part 1

 Exodus 14:13-14 NASB

But Moses said to the people, "Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the Lord which He will accomplish for you today; for the Egyptians whom you have seen today, you will never see them again forever. The Lord will fight for you while you keep silent."

Have you ever spun around with your hands out round and round? As a kid, it's the funniest thing to do. I watched my 4 year old do this, get dizzy, take a break, then do it again and repeat about 5 times. It was cute to watch him but it drew a very vivid analogy to the type of life an addict must have.

I only had that thought because for the last 7 1/2 years  I have battled alongside my husband whose recovering addiction has left our home an  emotional  roller coaster. The pains and sufferings are so real at some point the hope is that it were just a physical wound because it would heal faster. At times life is great, other times, it's a migraine leaving you on the floor unable to stand. While I've tried my best to study everything about addiction...it was only knowing Jesus and His Truth that helps me get through co-dependency. While my husband's story is his own, mine is about the backsplash. It's so difficult to trust God when your watching someone you love do regrettable things. As you're left to pick up the pieces of the broken life again and again...it can sometimes fake you into believing you got this and you fix it. But when things break again...after they just were put together...it's more than disheartening, it's overwhelmingly depressing. It breaks your heart in ways you didn't think it could break. Having hope seems impossible.
3 years ago my life changed dramatically. I went back to church and my husband went to jail, while I was pregnant with my youngest. And while all that seems depressing ...you must've missed the hope...I went back to church. Regularly. I found myself needing to be there...because I needed Jesus. It was the place I had refuge, my kids had refuge and eventually even my husband. While my husband's time in jail was very short, the result of that time was rehab. Another blessing in disguise. His battles have been between programs and down time and as he told me when we reconciled  2 years ago...it will be a lifetime battle for him. Bless the Lord, he knows Jesus  and although he's fallen a few times, he's learned to lean on Him to see recovery.

For me, the battle is with my mind. My pastor shared with us this acronym:

F - False
E - Evidence
A - Appearing
R - Real

Co-dependency is watching the addict like a hawk believing you can personally place their safe boundaries. Like checking their phone records and having them on GPS...oh wait sounds like 'crazy girlfriend' syndrome, right? The difference is when you're fears are confirmed...you trust your fear more than God. Having that other person with you and safe is 100% False Evidence Appearing Real. Because I've learned the hard, hurtful way that I can't save my husband from himself. It's his battle with the Lord. Just like mine. In reality, it's only God I'm fighting when I don't want to lean on Him and trust Him to heal my husband in His perfect time.

The verse above was meant for me. In the middle of my escape from the slave mentality of co-dependency...because you ARE enslaved to your FEAR...the Lord had given me this wonderful promise and scripture. He would fight my husband's addiction for me. Instead, I am to have faith and cover him in prayer. Because as my husband recovers, the backsplash of that pain and suffering start to show. Our children are hurt and can see the problems. Our marriage lacks trust and intimacy. Our family...is in pieces. Context is everything...
In Ex 14:13-14, Moses is right about to part the sea. So before they cross the sea, before they cry out in hunger and for water, before they go through 40 years in the desert...the Lord tells them this.

But Moses said to the people, "Do not fear! Stand by and see the salvation of the Lord which He will accomplish for you today; for the Egyptians whom you have seen today, you will never see them again forever. The Lord will fight for you while you keep silent."

For me, Egypt is my husband's relapse. It brings me to a place of slavery and starvation. He's not the enemy and if you have studied anything about illegal drugs, they completely take over your mind, speech and actions and the addiction is uncontrollable once they had just a little. It is a powerful weapon the enemy of our souls uses to not only break down people...but their families as well. Because when I see him high, it's not my husband. It breaks my heart to see him like that. But the Lord is faithful to complete what He began...He just had to cut through me, cut through my husband to get to the part of us we don't want to share. I never wanted to tell anyone. And when he did well and relapsed, I didn't want to say anything again. Because the backsplash of it all isn't just about him and I and our children, but about the families around us who watch and don't understand. It's about our own extended family no longer receiving the hope of Christ in our lives because we showed our weaknesses. It's about so much more that God has planned...

Thanks for hearing my heart tonight. It's been a crazy month and the Lord has been faithful to prune the areas that were still guarded by my fears. Lots of areas...but I'm grateful I could share them with you. Because maybe you know someone whose going through what I went through. Or you know someone like my husband. Forgive them and pray for them...they really do need it. Because I got to see how real spiritual warfare is...but instead of battle scars, I have miraculous stories off triumph. I have instances where impossible sinful man had trusted God with everything he had and He made it beautiful - a miracle. He fought for me and continues to do so...I'm a very blessed daughter of the King.

Heavenly Father, my Honored King, just writing this testimony tonight brought out areas of pain. It reminded me of the place I was in, the depression I battled because I couldn't handle the life I was living. Thank you Lord! Thank you for delivering me from that bondage. There's time when I've misunderstood Your protection because my husband relapsed, forgive me. I lift him up to You now. His battle is different than mine but because we're one I go through things to. It feels Lord like I always have to clean up the mess after. It feels as if I have to hold my family together myself. I know it's not true. You do. So as my children heal from this, as my marriage heals, as my husband heals...please heal me. Heal us all that we would be a light. When and if we fail Lord, remind us You are there. Remind us of Your Truth and that You don't need us to accomplish Your Will. I don't hold You up but You definitely hold me up and I'm so grateful for that. Lord, if there are others who can be blessed by this story, I pray they know right now how much You love them. I pray they would seek you fully and allow You to work on their hearts and in their lives. May we all learn to trust You, just a little bit more today. In Jesus name I pray, amen.

Identity Crisis

http://bible.com/100/EXO3.11.NASB But Moses said to God, "Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh, and that I should bring the sons of Israel out of Egypt?" Bible.com/app

I grew up with very little in my home, on my back, in our fridge and even for a short amount of time with no home. And while I had very little in possessions and positions, I was blessed to have much more in faith. I had a mom who loved me and as time past, many friends and families that I had the joy of belonging to. But growing up poor you get a slightly blurred sense of value. Yes, I'm not very materialistic but I do often question my value. I question if I'm meant to be all the hopes and dreams I've haad as a kid.

See, growing up with nothing can sometimes make you feel like you're nothing too. I sure tried to be a winner. I exceeded in the academic arena and logistically planned my future that wouldn't be lacking. But as I approach the finish line of my collegiate career, despite many, many, many setbacks...here I am. And I can't help but wonder, Who am I?

Because if I'm the ghetto, homeless, single parent household, daughter of an immigrant, teenage pregnancy, divorcee girl...then the hope and faith I had as a child is definitely gone. And the great, bright future I and so many along the way have encouraged me would be here...it would be ok if I never got there. Because that girl, she didn't have it in her to stomach something good. She had been so used to bad that good just seemed to not happen to that girl; no, not to me.

But if I'm a redeemed, resurrected, been set free, daughter of the King, friend to the One who was, who is and is to come...if I'm that girl...than I can accept a good gift. I can accept a good thing happening. I can grasp the Promises that I've been set free from that girl. If...

I think Moses had an identity crisis too. But it wasn't his own identity Moses had mistaken, it was God's.

I grew up with this mean bully. She used to tell me I looked ugly, I was dumb, I wasn't good enough, nobody would ever love me,...she was real mean. And she followed me every where. And no matter how much I tried to ignore her, she just kept on going. That bully was me. I beat myself up mentally and drove myself mad with determination. I wouldn't give up because I could hear the insults flying faster than I can type! It was a nightmare when things seemed to end up in another catastrophe. I know now there is a liar and a thief who comes to kill, steal and destroy and he sure was winning with me.

Fast forward to today. I've been blessed to learn and know who God is and in return gain a much better idea of Who I am. Today I needed to revisit this because I was in a slump. My past situations and accomplishments were starting to create the definition that I and I alone made up who I am. But in reality, without Jesus I'm not the somebody I want to be. Without His Truth, my future is grim. Without His Peace, I'm not able to deal with the troubles of this world and without His Love, I'm not redeemed.

If you're having an identity crisis and can't seem to find who you are, I implore you to seek first Who Jesus Is. Only He can create beauty from ashes. Don't allow the enemy of your soul to kill, steal and destroy all Who God has made YOU to be.
Heavenly Father, lover of my soul. Thank you. Thank you for having faith when I am faithless. Thank you for loving me when I did not know you. Thank you that who I am rests in who You are. Help me to recognize the lies of the enemy. Forgive me for trying to change things without You. I trust in all You have planned and trust that even in my insecurities, Your power is made perfect. I don't like to be weak Lord but knowing that You are taking care of everything brings me peace. Thank you Lord, thank you. In Jesus's name I pray, amen.