Identity Crisis

http://bible.com/100/EXO3.11.NASB But Moses said to God, "Who am I, that I should go to Pharaoh, and that I should bring the sons of Israel out of Egypt?" Bible.com/app

I grew up with very little in my home, on my back, in our fridge and even for a short amount of time with no home. And while I had very little in possessions and positions, I was blessed to have much more in faith. I had a mom who loved me and as time past, many friends and families that I had the joy of belonging to. But growing up poor you get a slightly blurred sense of value. Yes, I'm not very materialistic but I do often question my value. I question if I'm meant to be all the hopes and dreams I've haad as a kid.

See, growing up with nothing can sometimes make you feel like you're nothing too. I sure tried to be a winner. I exceeded in the academic arena and logistically planned my future that wouldn't be lacking. But as I approach the finish line of my collegiate career, despite many, many, many setbacks...here I am. And I can't help but wonder, Who am I?

Because if I'm the ghetto, homeless, single parent household, daughter of an immigrant, teenage pregnancy, divorcee girl...then the hope and faith I had as a child is definitely gone. And the great, bright future I and so many along the way have encouraged me would be here...it would be ok if I never got there. Because that girl, she didn't have it in her to stomach something good. She had been so used to bad that good just seemed to not happen to that girl; no, not to me.

But if I'm a redeemed, resurrected, been set free, daughter of the King, friend to the One who was, who is and is to come...if I'm that girl...than I can accept a good gift. I can accept a good thing happening. I can grasp the Promises that I've been set free from that girl. If...

I think Moses had an identity crisis too. But it wasn't his own identity Moses had mistaken, it was God's.

I grew up with this mean bully. She used to tell me I looked ugly, I was dumb, I wasn't good enough, nobody would ever love me,...she was real mean. And she followed me every where. And no matter how much I tried to ignore her, she just kept on going. That bully was me. I beat myself up mentally and drove myself mad with determination. I wouldn't give up because I could hear the insults flying faster than I can type! It was a nightmare when things seemed to end up in another catastrophe. I know now there is a liar and a thief who comes to kill, steal and destroy and he sure was winning with me.

Fast forward to today. I've been blessed to learn and know who God is and in return gain a much better idea of Who I am. Today I needed to revisit this because I was in a slump. My past situations and accomplishments were starting to create the definition that I and I alone made up who I am. But in reality, without Jesus I'm not the somebody I want to be. Without His Truth, my future is grim. Without His Peace, I'm not able to deal with the troubles of this world and without His Love, I'm not redeemed.

If you're having an identity crisis and can't seem to find who you are, I implore you to seek first Who Jesus Is. Only He can create beauty from ashes. Don't allow the enemy of your soul to kill, steal and destroy all Who God has made YOU to be.
Heavenly Father, lover of my soul. Thank you. Thank you for having faith when I am faithless. Thank you for loving me when I did not know you. Thank you that who I am rests in who You are. Help me to recognize the lies of the enemy. Forgive me for trying to change things without You. I trust in all You have planned and trust that even in my insecurities, Your power is made perfect. I don't like to be weak Lord but knowing that You are taking care of everything brings me peace. Thank you Lord, thank you. In Jesus's name I pray, amen.

Taking a man's advice!

There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven— Eccl 3:1

As a busy mom of 4 children that span almost every age group: toddler, preschooler, pre-teen and teenager...this verse brings me much comfort while also makes me laugh! I can't help it!  And also think...of course a man would say this! Lord forgive me, but it really does seem like men aren't pondering the rest of the weeks water play schedule and school supply list while checking that the grout in the bathroom isn't 'too gross' to allow another day of neglect. Is it rather just that women have been blessed to show their love, affection and maybe even worth by the length of their to-do checklist? 

While I understand that King Solomon was endowed with wisdom from above, I'm sure this King had plenty to stress about as well. But his approach to the many of life's to-dos was simply to believe  that in God's time they'll happen. That life outlook still seems to amaze me. Like I said, if I don't get to that bathroom tile, who is and when is that? Even with our list of chores, my mommy to-do list runs on end.

In Luke 10, we are introduced to two sisters, Martha and Mary; the famous Martha. It says she was distracted by the preparations. Could that be the theme for EVERY WOMEN? Maybe not but pretty close, because of course there are the Marys. But this verse speaks to us women who can wonder how King Solomon, in all his wisdom, could write a passage like a Ecclesiastes 3. 

In all boldness ladies, maybe we're missing the point? Don't shoot arrows at me, trust me, it's MY conviction! But is our need for a quick 10-minute bathroom clean a substitute for a silly face contest with our children or a  back rub from our never-ending all-star husband request line? We are called to respect our husbands and train our children...everything else truly is everything under the sun. 

I often believed that the Proverbs 31 woman remained nameless to spare her from nasty looks at the market and temple. While she is still my great inspiration of a Godly woman, she also reminds me of an airbrushed supermodel on the cover of a magazine. Now I don't mean she's fake but her description just seems so unattainable! It's like she created for us,  The Woman's 10 Commandments. "She rises early to make sure her household is fed." (Prov 31:15) Oh man, I'm so grateful for breakfast at school! How do I measure to her, how can I accomplish all that? Wise King Solomon answered that as well, "God has made everything beautiful in it's own time" (vs. 11). It's not that complicated, we're works in progress. Doesn't that just tickle you? We're not deemed less valuable or precious but given grace. Oh how I love that. It's hard to not have a check on the check-list but I'm so blessed His ways are not our ways, aren't you? 

So...let's take a man's advice and believe that there's a time for everything and that our weaknesses are not going to bring down our worth. We will take inventory of every moment, every thought...to be in line with the One who has really done everything (vs 11) because He loves us. And that kind of love is a language we definitely speak. 

Good and Gracious Father, I'm so glad Your Word has many examples. I truly believe Lord that You made me fearfully and wonderfully but I admit, I feel sometimes as if I'm only made to balance the budget and keep the laundry rotation going. If I'm really honest, I can't do all the things You call me to do: for my husband, for my children, even for You. Forgive me but also...thank You for taking that burden from me. Thank You Lord for being my Prince of Peace. I can trust King Solomon and believe there is a time for everything, even perfection and Your timing is perfect. Thank You for the blessing of my calling in this life, may I honor You in not just what I do, but how I do it. Consecrate my heart to be more like Yours and erase those unnecessary items on my to-do list that would keep me from You and the wonderful callings You've given me called family. Help our family to be grounded in You. You are a Good God and  Loving Father and I praise You. In Your Name, Jesus Christ I pray, amen.  

Egypt bound

The hubby and I have been praying for direction for about a month now. It's been an amazing season of restoration, healing, stillness and joy. The Lord is so faithful and He truly does create beauty from ashes. Just months ago, I was unsure what kind of future we were to have but now we stand together in prayer and I have the joy to remember and celebrate the man I was blessed to marry. Yes I'm more than content, I'm overjoyed!
When I look back at all that I have endured (only with Jesus), I know that I'm so grateful to come out of the dessert and say, thank you Lord for these many blessings! I feel like the Israelites having just crossed the Red Sea saying to one another, "I NO Believe!!!" (Yes, they speak pigeon in my story. Translation: Did that really just happen?!!) When we are blessed to overcome with the Lord in the face of adversity, including the adversity within ourselves, there is definitely some moments of joyful reflection! It's a time where James 1:2-4 makes all the sense to you. I'm grateful and I needed this time for the Lord to fill me up again.


Prepare your work outside
And make it ready for yourself in the field;
Afterwards, then, build your house. Prov 24:27


This verse has spoken to me in so many ways. When we wanted to move, the Lord directed me here. When I was unsure what to do about work, here the Lord gave me direction and confirmation. But lately this verse has meant so much more. The storms and trials I've experienced have been the preparation. It's been the foundation to lay out the plans He has. And now, in ways I never truly thought, He has called me to build. I'm an engineer, you would think the  building isn't the best step for me, but it really is! I'm so excited to see the reality of an idea!
So with the idea the Lord has directed and requested of me, I was somewhat lost. There was tons of preparation but not what I went to school for. There was plenty of experience but not the kind I would put on my resume. He  is sending me back to Egypt!??!!! Referring to Exodus, the Israelites experienced slavery, the plagues, 40 years in the dessert and even the struggle and fight to get out of Egypt. Can you imagine...going back? Me neither. I cried and prayed thinking, "I just came Lord! I just crossed the Red Sea...you like me go back?" He laughed at me, "But you guys came another way, My Way."

 “For it is just like a man about to go on a journey, who called his own slaves and entrusted his possessions to them. To one he gave five talents, to another, two, and to another, one, each according to his own ability; and he went on his journey. Immediately the one who had received the five talents went and traded with them, and gained five more talents. In the same manner the one who had received the two talents gained two more. But he who received the one talent went away, and dug a hole in the ground and hid his master’s money. Matt 25:14-18

What we do, how we act and the way we choose to problem solve out of Egypt - He's watching, waiting and building our character. And so here I am, praying and preparing a new field to build His House, His Kingdom, His Legacy. I've been questioning and ignoring and more ignoring and a little bit more (remember, I'm strong willed) but now He has yelled. And what else am I supposed to do? I'm not the best Christ-loving person, I'm not the most equipped but I was called. And that is nothing to be ashamed! We all have a calling on our lives, each and every one of us. I pray that each of you heed your calling and give your all for the furthering of the Kingdom. So keep me in prayer, I'm Egypt bound.

Heavenly Father, I am amazed by how much You love us ALL. You will always leave the 99 sheep and go back for the 1 because you love us beyond what we can do. I am so blessed You have a plan and purpose for my life and that of my family. You have allowed the storms and trials and have graciously supplied more than we ever deserved. Please continue to prepare my husband and my heart for that which You have in store and direct our steps. May I continue to find comfort in You Word and Your People. I pray for the person who needs to read this today. That You would bless them and confirm Your call in their life. Speak to them now and even if they're hard head like me, speak a couple more times. There is a world out there waiting to see You. I know, I used to be one of them. In Your Precious Son's name I pray, Jesus Christ, Amen.

Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Ecclesiastes 4:9-11 (NIV)

I've often felt alone in my life. As I grew up with my Mom, a hard working, single mother, I felt alone while she was gone working. When I was studying and all my friends were enjoying their teenage years, I felt alone in my goals. When I got pregnant in high school, I felt alone in my struggle as I gave up an opportunity for college. Even when I was married to a man who didn't love me, I felt alone. As a single parent, I felt alone. When my third pregnancy had me home alone while my boyfriend went out to party, lonliness crept in to my life again. I can continue to point out moments in my life where I felt so alone it hurt. But instead, I wanted to share the hardest journey I've had since - determination in my relationships to reach out.
After accepting and embracing the identity of being alone, it has truly been difficult to try hard and cut past the shield of lonliness to create and solidify real, healthy relationships. My marriage, my children, my friends...I've been so good about keeping them at bay. The biggest was Jesus. But when I finally surrendered my hurt and pain of lonliness, He asked me to do something even harder, reach out. With my Lord, it was about learning to love because I am loved. In my marriage, I've had to open up and let go of the barriers that I thought protected to me to experience a true bond I never thought possible. With my children, who went back and forth from my house to their fathers, it was about teaching them to build bridges that take time because they were worth it.  With my friends, it was about showing them the good, the bad and the ugly so that they could help me through it and one day I could be there for them.
This verse has come up over and over in marriage and friendship devotions but today I read this verse and was reminded of the lonely person who reaches out. The Lord knew we needed one another to prosper (a good return for their labor), for help (can help the other up), for compassion (but how can one keep warm alone?). When we trust in Jesus to instruct our way of life, we can struggle past the hardest moments of our life - with someone. And our good God, He puts amazing people in our path to help us through, display compassion when we have none, and show us the prosperity that doesn't depreciate.
I'm so blessed to have found the Lord and learned the joy and strength in reaching out. I pray that you all are blessed with the same. The good plans He has will get you through anything and the greatest gift will not be the end but the journey.

Heavenly Father, You have always been present in my life, through the lonliness, rejection, storms ands trials. There were many times I didn't see You there or hear the help You sent, forgive me. But today, when I fight against the pride and the pain of lonliness, remind me gently with a voice from a loved one, a prayer from a friend. More importantly, help me cry out to You and those You have placed in my life. Because I seek to experience the prosperity, joy, love and healing that comes from knowing You and those You put in my life. In Jesus Christ I pray, amen.

Til Death Do Us Part

I remember very little, very clearly. Everything I remember is kind of like the old movies with fuzz and fade to it. My family teases me about it and everyone understands, Tiff is just so busy. But there are those moments that are just unforgettable. Like my wedding day, when I gave birth (all 4 times) or many other times when we felt as if only God where allowing us to watch. Sometimes it happens like that with bad memories too. I remember the few car accidents I've been in. I remember leaving my ex-husband and packing my kids in the car. I remember the day my husband drove away. There are just things we don't forget - even if we want to.
I guess because I don't remember much, if I remember something, its rather hard to un-remember it. And sometimes, with bad memories, we don't want to let them go and it holds us back from forgiveness. Now, God did NOT create no doorknobs but He did fearfully and wonderfully extend us grace and forgiveness.
Phil 2:8 NASB reminds us:
Being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross.
So all those bad memories, from anyone they may stem from, we are asked to forgive and be obedient, even to the point of death. Merriem-Webster online defines forgive:

transitive verb

1

a : to give up resentment of or claim to requital for <forgivean insult>

b : to grant relief from payment of <forgive a debt>

2

: to cease to feel resentment against (an offender) : pardon<forgive one's enemies>

Amazing to me that it is found to be a transitive verb; it's a relational verb. It means that it relates not only one thing to another but also to something else. Forgiveness is not only related to what is being forgiven (or not), it spills over into other parts of our life. When we hold on to unforgiveness we hold on to the hurt and pain instead of allowing for true and fruitful restoration. It's a difficult, difficult act. When we remember why we need a Savior, it makes much more sense. We need someone to teach us to forgive, or we won't ever be fully healed and it will spill over into other parts of our lives, affecting who we are, how we act and what we do. Anything with that great an influence needs containment, don't you agree?
Whether you hold on to small resentment or you have years of bitterness, forgiveness isn't about justice. It's about us and our Savior. I had a great sister in Christ remind me, my forgiveness was not about the other person, it was about me and my Lord. It was holding me back from Jesus. Talk about relational! I wasn't trusting the God of the Universe to work out what had happened; to use it for good; to reveal to me His ultimate plan; to refine me and discard the worst parts of my heart. I was just, sisters and brothers, very just in my reason to be angry, hurt, upset; but I was still in disobedience by holding on to unforgiveness. When you have experienced hurt that penetrates deep, you build up walls and use those memories as the mortar that hold them all together. The pain you felt is each brick on that wall that guards your heart from feeling that way again. Honestly, it's the human version of the band aid. When we have up all these band-aid walls, we even keep out Jesus. When we break a leg, does the cast stay on for the rest of our lives? Not even close! If we never decide to remove the band-aid on our hearts, how can we see the restoration that God has planned for us? Tell me you're feeling the excitement I do as you place together the pieces and say, I will let go of my sorrow, my pain, my hurt today?!! I know it's not easy and you really can't let go of all it the first time. A scripture that has given me so much restoration is Ps 51:10.
Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
To fathom the thought that Jesus can give us new, clean hearts. What a thought! Do you need a clean, new heart today to experience the steadfast spirit David describes? You don't know if you can run a mile unless you try. It feels like death when we pull off that band-aid. It really does. I know. I really do. But can we be that obedient, to the point of our own death, to see the riches and peace the bible describes? I will tell you personally, it's not an easy, quick, simple task. Sometimes we will have to forgive and forgive and forgive. But don't despair. Use that emptiness, of letting go, to allow for the Creator of the Universe to truly heal you, inside and out. Watch how this relational verb, forgive, gives you a new heart and an enduring spirit.


Oh Lord, you are GOOD, but sometimes this life is not. I have held on to hurts and pains and made my own walls of protection to feel safe and strong again. But I was wrong. Help me to see that You hold the true power to heal me and that I don't deserve distance from You, no one does. I want to be healed and I want to let this go but it's not easy. It feels like I'm dying. But my trust is in You. I will die holding onto this or I will die right now, giving it to You. I trust in Your Promises and all the plans You have for me. I give this unforgiveness to You, my Lord, my Savior. And I ask for a new heart, a clean one that will give me the endurance to run this race and finish well. I thank you for this transparent time with You. In Jesus' name, amen.  

Walking on Water

For I have learned to be content whatever the circumstance...phil 4:11

What a concept that I have the hardest time living out. I'm grateful that Jesus is holding my hand and reminding me of this because on my own, I couldn't. Which explains the latter verse, I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (phil 4:13). (I'm so glad the Lord made it clear, I need simple!) I've listened to Him speak to me and guide me into what I need, what others around me need and still not "ruin my plans" of a happily ever after, not-so-ridiculous home, semi-behaved children and a continuous college journey...not to mention other perks along the way. I don't mean to compare but I can help but keep up with the Joneses. I don't think I look exactly to one particular 'Jones', although the Joneses I do know have it together, which still makes it hard. Besides control issues, my biggest issue is trust. In a world of instant-gratification, we needn't 'trust' on something or someone for very long without some type of result. What if God's timing sometimes doesn't work out for my plans? There's that issue of trust again...do I trust He has a better plan for my life than me??

But one thing I am certain, leaving behind and pressing forward to the upward call of Christ. (phil 3:1). Keeping this verse on the forefront of my mind has allowed my Lord to come into my thoughts about comparison, lack of (items, position or even trust) and it reminds me He is in charge and I asked Him to be. I'm grateful for it, everyday, but I confess it's a horrible struggle and I'm sure He shakes His head but doesn't give up on me (while I would give up and shake my finger! ;p). It's a daily thing, taking up our cross, but it's a wonderful freedom to have peace in a times of a storm or even a drought. Jesus said, "You of little faith..."(matt 14:22-33). Are you ready? Am I ready, to walk on water and experience His miracle in the storm?